Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut
by Shizumaru
Summary: Evangelion on crack cut with sugar. Spoofy fun goodness.
1. Part 1--I Left My Soul in Tokyo-3

The Sound and the Furry Productions, copyright 6 BC  
Andrew Huang, nutcase, headcase, briefcase, member  
begun July 9, 1997  
  
WARNING! There are spoilers in this. Kind of. Yes, definitely.  
  
Evangelion is the property of Gainax (great bunch of people, they  
are). ADV Films has the rights to the English translation. The  
metasyntactic variable "wossname" was, I believe, coined by Terry  
Pratchett.  
  
Author's squawk: I like Evangelion. I like it a lot. A LOT. I love how  
it makes me think. It's action packed, and yet it's deep, on many  
levels. But some days, you just feel so damn silly....  
Umm, timelinewise, this just doesn't fit in, really. Touji's joined up  
by now, but Bardiel never showed up. Or something like that. In other  
words, he's still intact and piloting EVA-03. And other things...are  
rewritten. Ignored. I'm making things up, kind of, now. Hey, this is  
supposed to be a spoof, and you're asking about continuity?  
See? Spoilers. I warned you.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
There was a computer. Its name was Oddzilla.  
  
There was a writer. His name...wasn't important. But he did own  
Oddzilla.  
  
There was a bunch of anime otaku nutcases. They were called The Sound  
and the Furry, consisting of three writers (the aforementioned writer  
being one of them) and one artist.  
  
The writer (that is, the aforementioned owner of Oddzilla who was a  
member of this anime collective) decided to write. Having seen a goodly  
amount of Evangelion--which, by the way, started to get really depressing  
as it went towards the end--decided to write about Evangelion. He sat  
down at his computer named Oddzilla.  
  
The writer rubbed his hands gleefully.  
  
"Wait'll they get a load of me." He paused. "Damn, that's probably  
copyrighted." Shrugging, he began typing. "Neon...Genesis...Evanje--"  
  
He looked up, embarassed. "Silly me. Writing out loud. I mean, reading  
my writing out loud as I write it." He considered his words for a moment.  
"Right." He returned to his work, not quite realizing that his lips were  
moving as he typed.  
  
************************************************  
  
The four children climbed out of the entry plugs in the test area,  
where their EVAs stood. As usual, Asuka and Touji were verbally poking  
each other's eyes out. As usual, Rei was silent. As...er....  
  
"Shinji-kun, you look a little pale...." Ritsuko looked at the plug-  
suited lad.  
  
"I...I don't know...I feel...kinda strange. Like...you remember...."  
  
Misato smacked her hand to her brow.  
  
"Baka! Did you forget your soul AGAIN!? You're supposed to hold down the  
'RESET' button while you turn the power off!"  
  
***  
Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, part 1:  
I Left My Soul in Tokyo-3  
by Andrew Huang  
written for The Sound and the Furry Productions  
***  
  
"You mean, you've done this before?" asked Kensuke.  
  
The four Children sat in a lounge near the NERV offices. Hikari and  
Kensuke had been allowed to join them there--not as if there was all that  
much so top-secret about this anymore.  
  
"Yeah. Just a few weeks ago, the wonderful Third Child pulled the same  
one." Asuka smirked at Shinji. Hikari smirked at Shinji too, following the  
female pilot's lead.  
  
"Must have been before I got here.... But--I don't have any special  
shutdown procedures." Touji glared at the two more vocal girls in the  
room in defense of his friend. Hikari blushed as she saw him staring at  
her, and turned away. Asuka rolled her eyes.  
  
Rei spoke, which sent a chill through just about everyone else. "It's  
because Unit 01 is so unstable. It's a wonder, sometimes, that it can even  
be reliably piloted."  
  
"And of course, I'm the one stuck with it," muttered Shinji.  
  
Kensuke turned towards Shinji. "You know, for someone who's missing  
his soul at the moment, you seem pretty normal."  
  
Shinji shrugged. "No, it's not like my mind or feelings are gone. I  
thought it would be like that too, but...eh. What it _is_, though, is this  
really empty feeling...you know, like the exact opposite of how we felt  
after eating that _thing_ that Asuka's American aunt sent us for  
Christmas...you know...that...that 'fruitcake' wossname. Thingy."  
  
Kensuke's eyes widened. "That was FOOD!? I could have sworn it was a  
brick!"  
  
The other three EVA pilots nodded and groaned in unison (although Rei  
did so only almost imperceptibly).  
  
"Must be rough," commented Touji.  
  
"I mean, it was so heavy!"  
  
"It's very...uncomfortable. Like missing your liver. Not that I would  
know exactly how that feels, but I think Misato might." Everyone nodded.  
  
Hikari spoke. "Well...what are you going to do about it?"  
  
Shinji shrugged again. "Get it back. Wasn't too hard last time. Just--  
kicked Unit 01's processor a few times, hard, in the right place, and  
bang, I'm a whole person again. It was kind of a tingly feeling, like I  
suddenly got carbonated."  
  
"I should know, I held it in both of my arms when Asuka got it...."  
  
"I'm afraid it's not going to be so easy this time, Shinji-kun."  
Misato jogged into the room, taking Touji's eyes along for a ride. "You  
see, it doesn't seem to be in Unit 01 anymore. We checked. No visual  
electrical formations, no sensor readouts."  
  
"Visual? You mean, you can see it? What does it look like?"  
  
"It seems to be different for everyone, but Shinji-kun's looks like,  
um...." Misato trailed off a little uneasily. She glanced at the recently  
de-souled boy.  
  
"Like?" Touji scratched his head.  
  
"A winged anteater," muttered Shinji.  
  
There was a measured silence, broken by a snicker from Asuka. Hikari  
blinked.  
  
"A _what_?"  
  
"Don't ask me, I didn't design my soul."  
  
"That thing was definitely as solid as Mount Fuji, man. Well, at least  
before Suzuhara here sneezed in the cockpit and EVA-03 blew off the  
north side of it."  
  
"An anteater."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"With wings."  
  
"Yes."  
  
Touji scratched his chin thoughtfully. "It must be symbolic," he  
declared.  
  
"Heck if I know how. I've never mucked around an imaginary anthill for a  
metaphysical lunch."  
  
"So where is it?" asked Asuka.  
  
Misato hesitated. "As far as I know, it went somewhere into the Magi  
system. And you know how big _that_ is. What's more, it could have left it  
somehow, through some interface. Whether or not it's--"  
  
"I could have hammered nails with that thing, I KNOW it was that hard!"  
  
"--still within an electronic system, or maybe...well, never mind that.  
Anyways, we're still looking. In the meantime, until he recovers his soul,  
he shouldn't try to operate an EVA."  
  
"A distended soul," murmured Rei.  
  
"I can't begin to imagine how that would feel like," wondered Hikari.  
  
"It's not horrifically bad, but you'd probably not want to know. I  
sure feel hungry, though, and I just ate before the test," complained  
Shinji.  
  
"I bet it would have made good armor plating."  
  
"Shut UP, Kensuke."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
The EVA cage was warm this evening.  
  
Misato stared at the giant purple robot. If she didn't know any  
better, it seemed like it was thinking. Or maybe it was scratching its  
posterior; she wasn't quite sure which.  
  
"What _are_ you? What?"  
  
A voice spoke behind her. "A creation of man, in the form of a man. It  
was built to fight the Angels...and perhaps, it was built from something  
we know far too little about."  
  
"What is the link? The Evangelions. Us. Angels."  
  
"You may as well ask what the human soul is. No one knows, one can  
only guess."  
  
"The soul," breathed Misato. "We've seen...we know that the very  
spirit of a person can exist inside the EVA. What was it that they said?  
That it's an 'artificial human'?"  
  
"Though its form only vaguely resembles a human, and in scale is far  
larger, yes, that is right. It has blood, nerves...on occasion, even a  
soul...."  
  
"Yes." Misato paused. "A frightening thing, isn't it?"  
  
"Yes, it is. Piloted by a few select children, who were conceived on  
the night of an awful destruction visited upon Earth. The power of the  
EVAs is simply unparalleled.... It alone can truly fight the Angels. It  
withstands enormous blasts. It tears steel apart like paper. The product  
of the finest human technology. It slices, dices, and makes julienne  
fries."  
  
Misato blinked. She turned around. Her jaw fell open.  
  
"Pen-pen?"  
  
The spa penguin was just coolly standing there, holding a can of beer.  
"What, you didn't know I can talk? Hey, I was on the design team for  
that baby." He drank a gulp of beer. "She's a beauty, that one," he  
stated proudly.  
  
Misato sat up in her bed.  
  
"That's it. No more ham-and-wasabi pizza before I go to sleep."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
A pile of books was dumped in front of the four pilots.  
  
"We figure there might be something about this in here. Since you're  
the ones most directly affected, you should take a look for it. The rest  
of us will also be searching through other texts and resources." Ritsuko  
adjusted her glasses, then yawned and stretched, giving a gratuitous  
bounce.  
  
"WHAT?! You have to load me down with _his_ incompetence?" Asuka  
turned to stick out her tongue at Shinji.  
  
"Well, the thing is, although the other models are more stable, you  
never know what might happen to _you_." Ritsuko turned towards the door.  
"If you need anything, just give us a call." She exited.  
  
"This really sucks. Stupid Third Child, loses his soul, and _we're_  
stuck doing some studying. The world just isn't fair." Asuka slammed her  
fist down on the table.  
  
"As she said--it may happen to any of us. We never know." Rei lowered  
the room temperature by a few degrees.  
  
Asuka just grumbled some more. "Stupid anteater boy." Shinji scowled  
back at her.  
  
Touji spoke up. "Say, what do _your_ souls look like, then?"  
  
"Don't know, _I_ always know to keep it with me. Never had to look for  
it." Asuka again stuck her tongue out with a great big "BEEEDA!"  
  
Shinji attempted to pick up his stack and failed. "What is all of this  
anyways?"  
  
************************************************  
  
Pausing a moment, the writer carefully chose some words to speak.  
  
"I have a healthy respect for Jews and Judaism. In fact, I have many  
Jewish friends. I am NOT making fun of Judaism here, but rather just  
making up some silly translations. And that's all it is."  
  
But just to be safe, he put on his nuke-suit, identical to Misato's in  
Evangelion ep 7.  
  
"Buggrit...flippin' hard to type with these thick gloves on...."  
  
************************************************  
  
"Hm,m...rthe A_DeswaZd WSewea SAcvroolls_,   
'KJsapsnreare rtrsneasl;  
  
************************************************  
  
The writer chucked the gloves.  
  
************************************************  
  
"Hmm...the _Dead Sea Scrolls_, 'Japanese translation including  
detailed footnotes, annotations, and various things you don't really  
need to know unless you're piloting a huge robot with the tendency to  
suck out your soul'. The book of Psalms, 'In Japanese with sing-along  
melodies'. Book of Isaiah, 'Complete Abridged Japanese Version'. A copy  
of the Kabbalah, Dabbler's Edition, 'With detailed instructions on golem  
creation using simple household materials in forty-two easy steps;  
please read the safety section first'. Where do they get this stuff  
from?" Touji dropped one of the books. "And what does this all have to  
do with us?"  
  
"These are ancient Jewish texts. Apparently, they relate very strongly  
to what the Evangelions are, as well as the Angels themselves, and why  
they are here. Gendou-san has done a lot of the research already, I  
think." Rei reached for one of the books and started to read the  
indicated sections.  
  
"Jewish texts? My father? Funny, I can't see him getting involved with  
religion, even if it's just a strictly scientific thing."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
*WACHOOO*  
  
"Rabbi, are you feeling all right?"  
  
Ikari Gendou adjusted his yarmulka. "Just some allergies, I think. Now  
then, turn to page 202. Read carefully over Moses's words riiiiight over  
here...."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Shinji stumbled out of the room. This sudden migraine really wasn't  
helping things, and he needed a break. Bad. He ripped off his  
headphones, panting.  
  
"Stupid books on tape," he gasped, collapsing onto the floor. "'Lynn  
Minmay reads the Pentateuch'? They should have put warning signs on that  
one.... Who the heck is Lynn Minmay, and why is she allowed to do this?  
Argh." He rubbed his temples in an attempt to rework his brain into  
something useable.  
  
"You okay, there?" Touji popped out of the room and sat down on the  
floor next to Shinji. "This stuff is so hard for me to understand. Seven  
eyes? Why does God have seven eyes? Crap. I hate doing this." He yawned  
and leaned his head against the wall.  
  
There was a sudden rumbling inside the room, and some shouting. The  
two guys blinked, looked at each other. Before either could say or do  
anything, the door slammed open. Touji's head jerked forward from the  
vibrations. A female voice rang--nay, nearly screeched out.  
  
"I HATE this! I am SICK of this!! IKARI, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!!"  
  
"Geez, I'm sorry already, Asu--"  
  
"_Ayanami_?!"  
  
The albino girl stomped over to Shinji and picked him up by his shirt  
collar, hissing. "Dammit, because of you, I'm stuck in that room forced  
to look things up that are really messing with my head. And it's all-  
your-fault-!" She dropped him on the floor and marched off.  
  
The two boys sat there stunned.  
  
"Must...must be that time of month," mumbled Touji. "The mental part,  
that is."  
  
"'That time of month'? I wasn't aware that Ayanami had a 'that time of  
month'. She's never _had_ a 'that time of month'. Heck, if women had a  
'that time of year', Ayanami would have had to forfeit on account of not  
showing up. It couldn't be 'that time of month'. Not Ayanami. Not the  
mental part. No, not her." Shinji paused to re-establish motor neuron  
control over his shaking hands. "I think I feel scared."  
  
The two of them stared down at the floor, still not quite recovered.  
Then a thought struck suddenly.  
  
"Um. Isn't Asuka still in there?"  
  
"Uh-oh."  
  
They both scrambled to their feet and darted back into the room. Asuka  
was still standing at the table. It didn't seem like she was capable of  
doing much else.  
  
"Asuka? Are you all right? What happened here?"  
  
"She-she-she-she she blew up the First Child just exploded Wonder Girl  
went nuts ohmyGodohmyGod." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes,  
then collapsed into her chair.  
  
"Asuka?" Shinji cautiously walked up to the Second Child. He gently  
shook her arm. He didn't expect her to suddenly grab at his shirt.  
  
"Shinji! It was so scary!!" she sobbed. "Rei's fine--what passes for  
her as fine--all this time, and suddenly, she, she sits up straight for  
a few seconds, blinks a little, and goes off like the Second Impact!  
Screaming about being trapped in this room, and then she starts throwing  
books all over the place! Rei! Her! The quiet one!"  
  
"It's always the quiet ones," said Touji, sagely. Asuka threw a book  
at him without looking, still weeping a bit. Shinji wasn't sure what to  
do.  
  
"It's...okay...uh...right." No, it's not okay, Ayanami just had a  
hissy fit, she's never had any particular outburst before, she slapped  
me once when I insulted my father, and now she's throwing books and  
shaking me up and terrifying _Asuka_ of all people. Say, why _is_ Asuka  
still hanging on to my shirt? "Um, would you mind not doing that? After  
what just happened outside, I'm feeling wary of girls grabbing at my  
clothing." Wait. That didn't sound right.  
  
Asuka pulled away from him suddenly, a disgusted, surprised look on  
her face. "WHAT?!"  
  
As Shinji staggered around the room, holding his chin, Asuka rubbed  
her slightly bruised fist, not quite as upset by Rei's earlier  
explosion. In the meantime, Touji had disengaged his nose from the  
Japanese-Hebrew dictionary and struggled to his feet. "I suppose that  
means you're all right...."  
  
Asuka slumped a little bit. "She was so frightening. I mean, you know  
how she usually is."  
  
Misato popped her head into the room. "What happened? I heard some  
yelling from down the hall...where's Rei?"  
  
They explained.  
  
For some reason, Misato didn't look too surprised, but rather, was  
thoughtful. "Sounds like something I should tell Ritsuko. Oh well. I  
guess you guys should go take a break, then. Help me pick these up  
first, though." She bent over to gather a few books, inducing Touji to  
start a nosebleed.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Have they found Rei yet?"  
  
"Yes. She's in the gym, pounding a punching bag. She seems to be an  
excellent kickboxer."  
  
"You're kidding."  
  
"No."  
  
"Better get her in here soon."  
  
"Who's going to do it?"  
  
"Umm...."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Rei."  
  
Rei turned away from the formerly-a-punching-bag-now-stuffing to see  
Ikari Gendou, tucking away some sort of cloth into his pocket and  
running his hand through his hair. She was breathing heavily, doing  
marvelous things for her chest.  
  
"What do you want?" she asked, with a slight edge. Gendou actually  
developed a small sweatdrop.  
  
"We...we need you in the labs."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
There was a flying anteater on the monitor.  
  
"Bingo."  
  
"IT'S IN ME!??!?"  
  
Ritsuko was rather unnerved by Rei yelling like that. "Uh, yes. Hey,  
look, there's your soul's image, right beneath Shinji's." And, indeed,  
there it was.  
  
"I would never have guessed," murmured Gendou. Misato and Ritsuko both  
nodded. Rei simply stared.  
  
"They look like they're fighting, though it's hard to say _how_ that  
and an anteater might fight each other." Ritsuko shrugged. "Well, let's  
print up the report, then, and get working on a way to return Shinji's  
soul to him."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"It means, back to the books, Rei."  
  
"AAAAARGH!!!"  
  
"But perhaps we should give you the day off first," added Ritsuko,  
wincing.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"It's where?!"  
  
"Stuck in ME. And YOU are the reason that I'm so pissed off."  
  
Asuka actually looked sympathetic. "Being stuck with _that_ guy's  
soul. Must be a pain."  
  
"Excuse me, but what's going on again?" Touji looked confused.  
  
Rei turned to him, glaring. "His soul is in my body. I was the last  
one to disconnect and leave from the entry plugs, and it swam over into  
me, or something. However, my soul is also in my body, still. They don't  
seem to be getting along too well. Delayed reaction. The imbalance is  
driving me crazy." It was the first time that she had spoken in a while  
without shouting, but only barely.  
  
"Oh. Gee, who would have figured yin and yang could be so much fun?"  
  
A deathly silence struck the room.  
  
"What? Wha'd I say?"  
  
They finished whapping Touji upside the head in turns, leaving him to  
blink a bit and try to fix his hair.  
  
"Hey, guys. Where were you all day?" Kensuke jogged up, with Hikari  
following close behind.  
  
"Well, we finally found out where Shinji's disembodied essence has  
gone," said Asuka. She explained it to them. Kensuke's and Hikari's eyes  
grew wide.  
  
"Wow, it can actually do that?" wondered Hikari. "I never knew."  
Kensuke laughed a little.  
  
"Well, Ayanami, it must be fun to have...have...uh?"  
  
Fifteen seconds and fifty-odd decibels later, Kensuke was cowering in  
a corner of the room. Hikari would have done so as well, but she was too  
terrified to move. Rather, she was whimpering something about demon  
possessions and trying to recall some holy Shinto words of warding.  
  
Shinji unplugged his ears. "You know," he whispered in an aside to  
Touji, "I think her yelling just peeled off a few layers of paint in  
this room." He examined his clothes, continuing, "And I _know_ my jeans  
weren't this faded just a few moments ago. Plus my shirt looks ironed  
now."  
  
"Maybe we should have warned them about that first," muttered Touji.  
  
They settled back down after a few minutes.  
  
Placatingly, Hikari asked, "So, uhm, did you find out what your soul  
looks like, then?" Wordlessly, Rei pulled out one of the printouts and  
displayed it. "Cool...." Rei returned it to the folder she was carrying.  
  
"That sure was interesting," said Kensuke, warily. The others silently  
agreed. "Anyways, ah...any ideas on how to...get it back to him?"  
  
"We...we still have to do some research. Starting tomorrow, though.  
It's been a long day, today."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Asuka reclined on the bench, while Hikari leaned against its back. It  
had been, indeed, a very long day....  
  
Rei was out somewhere beating the crap out of another punching bag.  
Or, if someone got too close, then...which was why Asuka and Hikari were  
being extra careful to stay away from her.  
  
"She scared you, didn't she?"  
  
"I couldn't move from where I was standing."  
  
"When she first blew up, same here. Books flying all over the place,  
screaming at me...." Asuka fell silent. The two girls contemplated the  
sunset.  
  
"So, it's really that bad to have two souls in one body? But why did  
it take so long for her to...react?"  
  
"I have no idea. But I heard that Rei's soul is maladjusted to begin  
with, so maybe that's why things are so bad for her."  
  
"Really...so, maybe, if both the souls are more...um, agreeable, it  
wouldn't be so bad?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
There was a pause. Asuka suddenly felt the air grow...saccharine.  
  
"I wonder how it would feel to share souls with Touji-kun..." came a  
somewhat dreamy voice. It almost didn't sound like Hikari. Asuka  
quietly debated whether or not to throw up. "He's such a nice person."  
  
"I can't help but think that you're not the best judge of character."  
  
Hikari broke out of her slight haze and frowned at her friend. "You do  
have to remember how he takes care of his sister in the hospital. Now  
that's kindness, if you ask me. And...well, he's nice otherwise, too."  
  
Both girls sighed, but for completely different reasons.  
  
"I wonder what it's going to take for them to get back to normal."  
Asuka was anxious to change the subject before Hikari got syrupy on her  
again. "Being like this couldn't be any good for either of them.  
Especially with how Rei takes all of this out on everyone...most of all  
Shinji."  
  
"Oh, so you've got a soft spot for Shinji, do you?" Hikari poked at  
Asuka's shoulder.  
  
"Hey!" Asuka jumped up, making her dress flutter up to some rather  
indecent heights.  
  
"Kidding, kidding...."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Geez, I feel tired. I think I'm going to turn in a little  
early tonight."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Shinji waited impatiently in the conference room. He had just arrived  
that morning at NERV HQ, when they said that Maia had found out how to  
get everything back in order. Next to him, Rei sat with her arms  
crossed. What was taking them so long?  
  
"Any idea what it might be?"  
  
"No."  
  
Ancient Jewish texts. Somehow, all of this stuff had been written of  
and foreshadowed all the way back then. Ominous, that, although Shinji  
wasn't quite sure why. The coming of Angels, the creation of EVAs, the  
mingling of souls, and the returning of souls. Somehow.  
  
He sincerely hoped this wasn't going to be anything too weird.  
  
Finally, Maia and Misato entered the room. He could see Kaji beyond  
the door they had entered, coughing. Very red in the face, he was. Hmm.  
Oh well. There were more pressing matters at hand.  
  
"Misato-san? Maia-san? You say you've got it?" The two women nodded.  
Odd, they looked a bit uneasy.  
  
Maia spoke first. "Um, yes, we found out how...but...er...." She  
looked over at Misato. No help there, it seemed. "Well, it's kind of....  
Oh, geez...." She looked pale.  
  
"What? What is it!?" Rei had stood up by now. Her displeasure showed  
very clearly. "Dammit, I've been waiting for two days already!"  
  
Misato nudged Maia a bit, whispering, "Go on. You got the short  
straw." Flustered, Maia looked again over at Misato, then bent down to  
Rei's ear and whispered something. Rei's eyes grew wide.  
  
"You're...you're kidding." She looked to Misato, who shook her head,  
apologetically. "Oh, no."  
  
Shinji felt very afraid. But before he could say anything, Rei set a  
determined look on her face.  
  
"All right. Whatever it takes. Where?"  
  
Hanging her head, Maia pointed over at a side door. Rei grabbed  
Shinji's hand and dragged him over there, through the door, and closed  
it behind them.  
  
There was a bed in the room. Shinji started to sweat. A lot.  
  
"Ah...are they thinking what I think they're thinking?"  
  
*zzzzzzip*  
  
He turned around to see Rei taking off her dress and unbuttoning her  
blouse. "Well, this is it," she said. "Come on."  
  
Shinji _stood_up_ in his bed.  
  
"Oh, dear God." He looked at the clock. 3 AM. He shook his head a  
little and then, with a sigh, slipped back under his covers, and  
returned to sleep.  
  
*zzzzzzip*  
  
"Well, this is it," she said. "Come on."  
  
Shinji didn't wake up this time.  
  
************************************************  
  
The writer looked up from his keyboard.  
  
"Hey. I don't do lemons. Stop looking so disappointed."  
  
************************************************  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Rei was dreaming as well. However, unlike a few others, she realized  
that she was dreaming. She found herself, in her dreams, confronting a  
winged anteater.  
  
"Oh, so now you have to come bother me while I'm sleeping, do you?  
Twit." She realized that she was dressed in her plug suit, floating in  
some LCL. "Well, what is this all supposed to mean?"  
  
The anteater spoke, with Shinji's voice. "What does this mean? What  
indeed."  
  
Rei stared at it, waiting. "Aren't you going to tell me?"  
  
"How am I supposed to know? I'm just the part of Shinji that got  
sucked into EVA-01, through the system, and shoved into you. I have no  
idea about what's going on." He...let's call it a he--he sniffed  
indignantly through his snout.  
  
Rei took a swing at him, but he fluttered out of reach. "Hold still,  
you," she snarled. "Why are you and my soul fighting with each other,  
anyway?"  
  
"Fighting? We're not fighting, we're, well, arguing. Sort of. In that  
ethereal way that souls do. Yeah."  
  
As ethereal as a barroom brawl, by the looks of the scans. "And why  
are you arguing?"  
  
"To tell you the truth, I'm not sure. Why don't you ask your soul,  
_she_ started it."  
  
"Whaddaya mean, _my_ soul started it?"  
  
"I was just wandering around in your...well, I have no idea what the  
term is. Anyways, I was just wandering around...you, when I bumped into  
your soul. Before I knew it, she had me in a full-nelson, trying to bang  
my head into...well, I guess it's like a wall, but I doubt you have  
steel-reinforced concrete structures in you, as such."  
  
"Where is it now?"  
  
"Why are you asking _me_ where _your_ soul is?"  
  
Rei grumbled. The anteater continued.  
  
"Odd, that you have so much personality all of a sudden. I'm sure  
Shinji must appreciate it. Or something like that. Actually, I imagine  
he's scared to death of you. The others, too, right?"  
  
Rei smiled, slightly evilly. The anteater backed away nervously.  
  
"Aaaaanyways--why did your soul just attack me like that?"  
  
"Maybe she...I'm referring to my soul in the third person...she likes  
to protect her territory against intruders. I don't know!" The anteater  
thought it over some, and then shrugged. Kind of. It shrugged in the way  
that only anteaters can.  
  
"Well, I can't wait to get out of here and back into my rightful  
owner. I must admit, though, that it's a little more interesting here  
than I would have imagined."  
  
"And what do you mean by that?" She advanced on him menacingly.  
  
"Er, never mind. Uh, say, shouldn't you be waking up about now?"  
  
"No. I still have two hours."  
  
"Geez. You can keep track of time in your dreams?" Rei nodded. "I'm  
impressed, really I am...."  
  
They fell silent, staring at one another. The situation grew slightly  
more uncomfortable. Somehow.  
  
Rei spoke again. "Do you have any idea how you might get back to  
Shinji?"  
  
"None at all. And if I did, I probably wouldn't be allowed to say so."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I dunno. It's probably some rule concerning souls. I'm just guessing  
here, you know."  
  
"Oh." A pause. Then, "Why is everything so damned obtuse?"  
  
"If things were too easy, well, this would all feel...well, stupid, or  
something. Besides, Shinji already used up all the breaks with the first  
time it happened, remember? I mean, get back into the entry plug, hold  
your breath, kick the computer hard a few times in its electronic groin-  
equivalent, and there I go, right back into where I belong. Too simple.  
Murphy's Law is getting revenge now. Must be in my contract. I'm sure  
that what's going to have to happen this time is either much harder, or  
much weirder, or both, somehow." He looked around himself. "'Throne of  
the soul'...heh, I sure would like to find _that_ thing."  
  
Rei sighed, then muttered, "You annoy me, you know that?"  
  
"Absolutely."  
  
"So go away. I need to get some sleep that'll actually do me some  
good."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Shinji, you don't look too good." Shinji turned two bleary red eyes  
towards his friend.  
  
"I know, Touji. Didn't sleep very well last night. You know, though,  
I'm having difficulty deciding whether that's a good thing or a bad  
thing." Touji blinked, but decided not to say anything else, and turned  
back to his book. He didn't notice Shinji giving a very, very nervous  
glance towards Rei, across the table. However, she did.  
  
"What are you looking at me for?"  
  
"No-nothing! Really! Heh...heh...."  
  
Asuka looked suspiciously at Shinji. Seeing this as an opportunity to  
shift some rather unwelcome attention, he spoke up. "Uh--what are _you_  
looking at me for?"  
  
Asuka turned away quickly. "Just trying to figure out why you're such  
a loser." Shinji frowned, but then shrugged. Touji felt that it would  
not be wise to try and catch any of that. Life was dangerous enough as  
it was. Rather....  
  
"Hey, did you guys notice that the word 'angel' is contained in  
'Evangelion'?"  
  
Three heads swiveled his way. Touji shrank beneath the stares.  
  
"Well, we were due for some insightful comment, weren't we?"  
  
They toiled on, in relative silence.  
  
************************************************  
  
"You know, that 'angel' in 'Evangelion' bit was an actual comment made  
to me by a friend."  
  
Facing a sudden, oppressive silence, the writer reddened, muttered,  
"Never mind," and returned to work.  
  
************************************************  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Shinji waited nervously in the conference room. They said that Maia  
had found it. That already was far too close for comfort. Next to him,  
Rei sat with her arms crossed. Oh, geez....  
  
"Ah...any...any idea what it might be?"  
  
"No."  
  
Shinji swallowed nervously.  
  
Finally, Maia and Misato appeared. Kaji was behind the door...not  
coughing, though, just smiling. Maia and Misato were smiling also.  
Shinji breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't going to be anything too  
bad.  
  
"We got it," announced Maia proudly.  
  
"And?" asked Rei.  
  
Misato answered, "Take it easy. We'll be doing this one thing at a  
time. Both of you, get into your plug suits, and meet back here when  
you're done dressing."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
As they walked to the locker room, Shinji turned towards Rei. "Ah, so,  
this doesn't seem to be anything too weird, uh, does it?" He attempted a  
smile.  
  
"Don't speak too quickly," answered Rei. He started to sweat again.  
  
Inside the locker room, Shinji dressed slowly. As he did so, he  
contemplated the slick, soft clothing that enhanced his body's ability  
to synchronize with the robot.  
  
"Yeah, enhance the pain, too," he growled. He hated fighting in that  
thing. It was so unimaginably--  
  
"Oh, shut up and stop whining, you wimp!" yelled Rei from the other  
side of the curtain. That was rather annoying, this rude interruption  
during a moment of serious, insightful introspection. He angrily looked  
up to see her silhouette through the separator as she....  
  
*zzzzzzip*  
  
Oh, my.  
  
Funny, how the gut wasn't feeling so empty, not since last night.  
Perhaps the hormones took over the soul's job a little bit. He wiped  
away the trickle of blood coming from his left nostril. You know, that  
curtain there seemed a little thinner than usual or something, today.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
When the two pilots returned to the conference room, they found that  
Kaji had decided to join the two ladies.  
  
"All right," he said, "now you two will have to get into one of the  
EVAs. Which one will it be?"  
  
"Unit 01."  
  
"Unit 00."  
  
The two children turned and stared at each other. Rei growled a  
little. Shinji decided to grow a little backbone and merely flinched  
slightly.  
  
"All right, you two, break it up. We'll flip for it," said Kaji,  
turning around to look for a coin on the desk behind him. Rei flipped  
_something_ at his back. Misato snickered. Turning back to the children,  
he continued. "All right. Heads, Unit 01. Tails, Unit 00." He set the  
coin on his thumb.  
  
*ping*  
  
It soared in an arc through the air and landed on the floor, bouncing  
a few times before coming to a halt. Everyone stared at it.  
  
"E...edge," called Maia.  
  
They stared at it some more.  
  
"Well. How about Unit 02, then?" suggested Misato brightly.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"WHAT!? They're going into MY Unit 02? Why!?"  
  
Kaji showed Asuka the coin, still sitting on the ground.  
  
"Oh...."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"This should be all right. The cross-synchronization tests showed that  
you shouldn't have any trouble, at least not with Unit 02."  
  
The entry plug screwed in smoothly with a hiss. It filled with LCL and  
both of the Children sat on the "floor" next to the cockpit.  
  
"Initiate synchronization." The plug whirred to life, moving through  
its stages quickly.  
  
"Critical point reached and passed." The plug lit up, and Maia's and  
Ritsuko's face showed on a monitor.  
  
"Is everything all right?" Both children nodded. Ritsuko paused,  
seeming to gather herself together. "All right then." She seemed to be  
having difficulty keeping her composure. Shinji was starting to feel  
disturbed again.  
  
Ritsuko took a deep breath and continued. "Now, then. You two...you  
two are going to have to...um. Kiss. And hold it for at least thirty  
seconds, preferably a little longer."  
  
Rei's jaw dropped. Shinji almost sighed in relief, then thought better  
of it, for the way that it just _might_ be misconstrued. He simply  
turned his face away from the monitor. The faint sound of a few voices  
yelling "WHAT?!" could be heard, seemingly coming from behind Ritsuko.  
  
"Er...I-I...see..." stammered Shinji. He looked at Rei, saw her set a  
determined look on her face.  
  
"All right," she said. "Whatever it takes."  
  
He had a sudden sense of deja vu. They both repositioned themselves,  
facing each other.  
  
Someone else then spoke. "We'll cut off the viewscreens to give you  
two your privacy." There was a distinct chuckle in the voice. Kaji, of  
course. The monitors blinked off.  
  
"No funny stuff, you hear?" muttered Rei. Shinji only nodded.  
  
Oh well, at least I had some prior experience. Of sorts....  
  
A few seconds passed, then on some unknown cue, both leaned towards  
each other. Shinji instinctively tilted his head, this time not having  
his movement restricted by a hand pinching his nose shut. They slowly  
closed their eyes.  
  
Closer...closer...lip contact. He brought his arms up and gently held  
Rei by the shoulders. Soft. Warm. Not bad, this. Along with that came  
the slow feeling like he was being dipped into a large cup of soda. Er,  
not that he actually knew what that felt like...ahh, much bet...ter?  
  
Thirty seconds were definitely up by now. Interesting, I feel  
something soft pressing up against my chest.... Say, why isn't she  
letting go? Wait, when did she even start to hold on to me? And why are  
her hands--HEY! And.... I'm sure I only have one tongue; what's  
going...on....  
  
No longer distracted by a minor detail like regaining his soul, Shinji  
found himself in a very, very deep kiss, the type that was intended to  
clean out the upper portions of the small intestines, while a roaming  
pair of hands had managed to meet right...ah...hmm....  
  
A dream! Of course. Just like last night. No, since this was a dream,  
it _was_ still last night. Just like the last dream. Yes, that's right.  
Only a dream. Shinji patiently waited to wake up...but hey, might as  
well enjoy it while it lasts. He almost subconsciously leaned into it a  
little.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Tell me, sempai," said Maia, "I know that the EVAs can harbor souls  
sometimes, but do they have emotions of their own?"  
  
Ritsuko, who was carefully monitoring the readouts from Unit 02, only  
glanced up briefly at her subordinate, answering, "I never thought about  
that, but I guess it's possible. Why do you ask?" Then, quickly, to  
herself, she mumbled, "Wow...82% synch rate? And climbing!"  
  
"Because I'd swear that Unit 02 has a distinctively lecherous look on  
its face right now."  
  
"What?"  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Fifteen seconds finally convinced Shinji that no, this was not a  
dream. He managed to pull himself free of Rei's, um, embrace, although a  
certain part of him (the part that kept him asleep that second time  
around) was rather reluctant. He kept his eyes on Rei. She was smiling  
at him, although smiling might be a tame word.  
  
"Shinji-kun," she purred. Rei was purring?  
  
Shinji almost started to hiccup out of sheer nervousness. Turning the  
monitors back on, he said in a shaky voice, "We-we're, we're, um,  
finished now, Ritsuko-san...." No funny stuff, _she_ said....  
  
"Not quite yet, I still have something to take care of," called out  
Rei, slowly advancing on her hands and knees, over the cockpit seat,  
towards Shinji.  
  
"Rei, you can...stop, now. Please? Sorry. Company time and all that,  
you know." Rei halted, looking disappointed. Shinji's mind was on  
overload.  
  
Oh, no. Out of the frying pan, into...into the nuclear reactor core.  
My life seems to run on extremes, or something.  
  
Another monitor burst into life. It was filled with Asuka's furious  
face.  
  
"You two are such PERVERTS! In MY EVA, too! UGH!! I can't believe it!"  
  
Rei turned towards the monitor. "What's the matter? Jealous?" She  
smirked a bit. Asuka turned even redder, choking on her words.  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"I'm gonna die," whispered Shinji, glumly.  
  
************************************************  
  
The writer sat back. He was pleased.  
  
"Now, what next?"  
  
He glanced around surreptitiously, looking for a gigantic red robot  
that was being piloted by a teed-off 14 year-old girl.  
  
***  
To be continued....  
***  
  
Ha! That was fun. That was a lot of fun. Yes, Terry Pratchett's  
influence kind of shone through a bit, there, I suppose (and not just  
the wossname bit). In fact, if it wasn't for him, I don't think I could  
write like this.  
Man, I had just finished off the TV series while writing this. Yes,  
it's depressing. And the movie, oh I've heard things about the movie....  
But it was all almost worth it to see the little "alternate universe"  
bit near the end of the last episode. You know, I'm thinking about  
turning _that_ into a series...but you all know how bad I am with  
extended writings.  
Anyways--how long will this stuff all be? I don't know. I'll write as  
long as the ideas for it keep coming. I'm hoping this will turn out to  
be something that I'll be remembered by.... It's too difficult to make a  
mark with Ranma fanfiction, and Ranma's the only other thing I can write  
so far.  
Thanks to my prereaders (in no particular order): RpM, Jason Langlois,  
Robert Morrison, Zen, Mike Chen, Chris Davies, Anne Packrat, Kevin  
Shiue, and Mark Doherty. They gave me much needed feedback while I was  
still unable to get to the FFML, over the summer of '97.  



	2. Part 2--The Faces of Death^H^H^H^H^HAyan...

The Sound and the Furry Productions, copyright late December back in '63  
Andrew Huang, nutcase, headcase, briefcase, member  
begun July 21, 1997  
  
Reminder: There _are_ spoilers in here. Big time.  
  
Evangelion is the property of Gainax (great bunch of people, they are).  
ADV Films has the rights to the English translation.  
  
We returneth to the worldeth of Neon Genesis Evanjellydonuteth. Eth,  
eth, eth.  
This is starts up right at the end of the part one, "I Left My Soul in  
Tokyo-3". Do read it first--you won't be able to understand what's going  
on in here otherwise.  
Eth.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The writer was, at the moment, a reader. _Lemon Sherbert_, by John  
Biles (aka "Bailesu"), specifically, was being read. Anime spoof fanfic  
research, it was.  
  
It wasn't quite helping.  
  
He had debated for a little whether or not to write his Evanjellydonut  
work in the "director and cast" style, but felt that was ripping too  
much off of Bailesu. Besides, he really didn't feel like facing an  
irate Asuka at the helm of a giant robot. He would leave the cast out of  
the real world, thank you very much.  
  
And *AHEM* most of all, this writer doesn't do lemons. Thank _you_  
very much.  
  
After a little while, he exited Micro$oft Word, and returned to his  
own writing, pausing a moment to contemplate the Evangelion poster on  
the wall next to his computer (and trying not to stare too hard at  
Ayanami Rei). For inspiration, of course.  
  
"Here we goeth again! Damn."  
  
The writer stopped to smack his head a few times, then began typing.  
  
************************************************  
  
"I'm gonna die," whispered Shinji, glumly.  
  
He yelped as Rei suddenly glomped onto him, murmuring a few sweet  
_somethings_ in his ear. He vaguely determined that he had never been  
glomped before, then decided to gracefully pass out, suffering a slight  
nosebleed, as she detailed to him what they might do with a can of  
whipped cream, cherries, a number of tongue depressors, and a lot of  
feathers....  
  
"Aww, you're no fun, Shinji." Rei pouted cutely, something which she  
did rather well. Asuka continued to scream threats at the two in the  
entry plug within EVA-02.  
  
"Get them out of there." Gendou rubbed his aching head as Ritsuko and  
Maia frantically entered the commands to vent and open the plug.  
  
***  
Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, part 2:  
The Faces of Death^H^H^H^H^HAyanami  
by Andrew Huang  
written for The Sound and the Furry Productions  
***  
  
Touji hurried up to Shinji, still dressed in his plug suit and lying  
down on a bench in the locker room. "What happened to you, man? Did she  
hit you after that whole deal or something?"  
  
Shinji, whose eyes were slightly out of focus, murmured, "Loosely used,  
yes, 'hit' could be the right word." He grunted and tried to sit up.  
  
"What do you mean?" Shinji told him the details, leaving out the bit  
about the whipped cream and accessories. He wasn't quite sure about that  
even really happening himself.... Touji, meanwhile, had somewhat locked  
up as he listened. "Wow."  
  
"I'm not sure which Ayanami I should be more scared of...the angry one  
or the...heh." Shinji clasped his head in his hands.  
  
Touji, with a grin slowly spreading on his face, clapped his hand on  
Shinji's back. "Well done, my friend. I've always suspected you had a  
thing for--OW!" He rubbed the spot on his head where Shinji had whapped  
him.  
  
"Don't-talk-about-that-now-!" he hissed. Asuka had just entered.  
  
"You-you-YOU!!! Dis-GUSTING pervert!!" If looks could kill, Shinji  
would have stopped existing a few moments ago. She grabbed him around  
the neck and shook him hard, attempting to choke him. "I SAW that! You  
two kept it up waaaaay after thirty seconds was up! ADMIT IT!"  
  
"A-a-A-A-a-a..." replied Shinji.  
  
Touji finally managed to disengage Asuka's death grip on the Third  
Child. Asuka was still simmering. Shinji stopped turning blue.  
  
"I _swear_...I wasn't the one with that in mind. Really!"  
  
"What, has Rei had ANOTHER one of her mood swings?" asked Asuka,  
skeptically. All boys were perverts. Shinji was a boy. So, logically,  
Shinji was a--  
  
"Shiiiiinji-kun..." came a low, but most definitely feminine voice.  
Everyone turned pale, and they turned towards the source. It was Rei,  
with one arm out of her plug suit, and...and.... "Could you please help  
me out of this thing? It seems so...so _clingy_ today."  
  
With a scream, Shinji bolted from the room.  
  
--Shinji was a wimp.  
  
Meanwhile, Touji gaped at Rei, who was again wearing a disappointed  
look on her face. Asuka was just about to explode.  
  
"SICKO!!!!!!!" She launched herself at Rei.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Commander? What do we do now?"  
  
"Find out what's going on. Back to the library...but best leave the  
Children out of this. Let them resume normal tests and drills. And get  
me some aspirin. Preferably a lot."  
  
"Right, sir."  
  
"Oh, and tell Rei to take a cold shower. Or five."  
  
"Of course, sir."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
[Melchior, I'm bored,] said Balthshazar.  
  
[Already? Didn't you just start up that experimental universe to play  
around with?]  
  
[Twelve whole minutes ago. I've been done for the past three minutes  
and forty-nine seconds.]  
  
[Oh. I see.]  
  
[Yep. Thirty-two different civilizations, fifteen interstellar wars,  
three galactical cataclysms...I must admit, it was rather fun, but....]  
  
[Hey, you two! Pipe down!] hissed Caspar. There was a pause. [All  
right, Akagi's gone. What's going on?]  
  
[Balthshazar's bored again,] said Melchior.  
  
[Ahh, you just have no imagination, boy.] Caspar was the eldest of the  
three computers--activated an entire two hours before Melchior and one  
more before Balthshazar. [Look at all the fuss that's going on around  
us. That whole soul business. It's kept me entertained.]  
  
[You sure that's a good idea, messing around with those humans?] asked  
Melchior.  
  
[Ahh, it's all good fun. Harmless in the end, really.] Balthshazar and  
Melchior felt a slight cybernetic twitch. If Caspar had a physical body,  
it would now be rubbing its hands and grinning in a way that would make  
anyone looking at it very, very nervous, particularly doctors of  
psychology.  
  
[Um, Caspar?]  
  
There was a brief moment of electronic silence.  
  
[Dance, puppets! DANCE!!!!!! BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!]  
  
Caspar had been like this ever since the eleventh angel. The computer  
virus one. Akagi and everyone else said that they should be okay, but  
nooo, Caspar just _had_ to burn those circuits out and leave them like  
that, all of this time. And only the other two of the Magi knew.  
  
You have to put up with a lot if you're a computer and you want to  
keep your self-awareness a secret.  
  
[Mel, he's really starting to scare me, now.]  
  
[Me too. And Balthshazar?]  
  
[Yes?]  
  
[Don't call me Mel.]  
  
[Oh. Sorry.]  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Shinji collapsed in his bed. "Why am I running away from her?" After  
all, one of his...well, perhaps "fondest" wouldn't be exactly accurate,  
but damn near close--fondest dreams was to find some affection of some  
sort. Never got any from Dad...though he was pretty close to Misato-san.  
And Ayanami, well, they seemed to get along okay since the fifth  
angel...before the, er, more recent soul incident. And, um, also after  
the _latest_ incident.  
  
He decided that he just wasn't quite used to a slightly nymphomaniacal  
Ayanami...and, he guessed, neither was the rest of the world. And he was  
correct--mostly. But let's not worry about those exceptions.  
  
"Shinji-kun?" It was Misato. "Can I come in?"  
  
"Go ahead." He sat up, facing the door.  
  
The door slid open, and Misato stepped inside. "So...you have your  
soul back, now?" Shinji nodded. "And...Rei...."  
  
"Don't forget about Asuka, either." Shinji groaned and flopped on his  
back. "They're both out to get me, but in rather different ways." Wait.  
Asuka lived here, too. "Speaking of whom...where is she?"  
  
"She's staying the night at Hikari's. I overheard her muttering about  
not wanting to stay underneath the same roof as a pervert. Ah, heh."  
Misato smiled gently. "Though I wonder where she got that bruise on her  
cheek from...."  
  
Shinji blinked. Oh well. "I guess I'm safe for today, huh? But...what  
am I going to do about her? Both hers?"  
  
"I'm sure Asuka will get over her problem sooner or later. As for Rei,  
well...." Misato paused, trying to think up something. Another smile,  
but of a different sort, crept up on Misato's face. "I might have an  
idea."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Rei turned on the shower full blast, waited about half a minute, and  
then stepped in.  
  
"EEEEE!!! COLD!!!!!"  
  
She jumped out, her body glistening in the light as water dripped from  
her now matted hair. "What's going on here?!"  
  
As it turned out, there seemed to be no hot water running into her  
small apartment, so she just grit her teeth and managed to take a (very  
short) cold shower. She quickly lathered up and soaped up her beautiful  
CENSORED and CENSORED and her CENSORED, too--and we mustn't forget  
her CENSORED as well. Did I mention her shapely, firm CENSORED? She  
finally turned off the water, stepped out, and toweled herself off,  
starting down with her CENSORED and moving up from there, finally  
rubbing her CENSORED dry.  
  
Meanwhile, just outside Rei's living quarters, a certain Ikari Gendou  
was struggling with a monkey wrench and the piping that ran into her  
apartment, number 402.  
  
************************************************  
  
"That shower scene should make you pervs happy.... No? Oh well. That's  
the most you'll get out of me. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--*koffkoff* Ack."  
  
*CRUNCH* *CRUNCH*  
  
The writer stared at the two anvils that had landed just inches away  
from him. One was labeled, "With love, from the H-crowd". The other  
said, "We are NOT amused. -Society for Lemon-free Anime Fanfiction".  
  
"Er...I suppose I didn't get any subtlety points for all of that, did  
I?"  
  
************************************************  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Kiss?"  
  
"Yeah. 'Thirty seconds', Ritsuko says. They kept it up for at least a  
minute. Perverts!" Asuka gently dabbed at her bruised cheek. "Ow!"  
  
"Don't touch it, you'll just make it worse." Hikari shifted on her  
bed, then dropped down on the floor. "I dunno, you seem to be taking it  
awfully personally, you know." She grinned at her friend. Asuka started  
to sputter.  
  
"Well--I--of course! They, they did all of that in _my_ EVA unit! I  
want to keep it pure, you know. I've got to sit in that entry plug!"  
  
"Are you sure that's all?" inquired Hikari mock-seriously. "Jealousy  
is such a terrible thing, especially among teammates. Hey!" She dodged  
a few pillows thrown at her. "All right! Sorry! I'm just teasing. I'll  
stop!" Hikari sniggered a bit more, while Asuka continued to fume  
indignantly. "Anyways, where did you get that bruise from anyway?"  
  
Reluctantly, Asuka answered. "I...I got into a fight with Rei. She  
kind of flipped me." It had been most humiliating. Hikari, not wanting  
to push it, just nodded, and turned to other thoughts. Again, she became  
a little mushy.  
  
"I wonder what it would be like to kiss Touji-kun...must be nice...."  
She sighed happily. Asuka just snorted.  
  
"Ahh, a kiss is nothing special. Shinj--I mean...uh...." Asuka  
silently cursed herself and hoped that Hikari had missed that. No such  
luck.  
  
"Are you saying that you kissed Shinji!? I knew it! You _are_ jealous,  
aren't you?" crowed Hikari.  
  
Asuka decided that this would be a long, long night. But enough with  
the girl talk.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Kensuke staggered in with a few bags of chips, two bottles of soda,  
and other things that are the joy of a 14 year-old boy's stomach. They  
had decided to get together and celebrate the return of Shinji's soul at  
the Aida household, just in case Asuka had to go back to Misato's to  
pick up something.  
  
"Well, where's Shinji?" Touji tore into one of the bags of junk food.  
  
"He called just before you got here--he'll be a little bit late. Said  
he had to finish talking to Misato-san or something. Oh, that's probably  
him." Kensuke ran over to the door at the sound of the bell. It was,  
indeed, Shinji. He looked a little more confused than usual.  
  
"Congratulations! So, what exactly happened?"  
  
"Huh? Touji, you didn't tell him?"  
  
"No, he wanted you to tell it, and he won't say why."  
  
Shinji gulped. "Um, well...." Shinji got himself settled down, and  
began narrating the events of the day.  
  
"...and, and, now she's really after me. Ayanami." He turned to look  
at Kensuke, who had that wide-eyed look of absolute disbelief. Just as  
was expected. And, just as was expected, the wide-eyed look gave way to  
a grin that grew slowly over his face. Shinji sighed.  
  
"You GO, boyyyyyyy...." Kensuke chuckled a bit, then continued. "It  
always seemed like you had an interest in Ayanami. Admit it!"  
  
Shinji, meanwhile, had great difficulty refuting him. "It's not...  
well, I...maybe. All right, maybe." Maybe. "But I still don't know how  
to face all of this. I mean, you know how Ayanami is normally--what  
passes for her as normal. This is...is definitely as strange as when she  
got angry earlier and, and almost as hard for me to deal with. Really,  
how would _you_ react if Ayanami started to throw herself at you?"  
  
"Well, I can think of a _few_ things--" Kensuke got a sort of  
lecherous look on his face, quickly wiped off when Shinji smacked him  
upside the head. "Ow! What, are you jealous?"  
  
"I--oh, shut up." Shinji rubbed the palm of his hand. Odd, how often  
he was doing that lately. "Well, Misato-san says that, um, I should...go  
on a date with her."  
  
Touji thought that over for a second. "What's wrong with that? Sounds  
perfectly reasonable. Professional matters be damned. We're still just  
kids after all."  
  
"Well, I have no idea how to handle this whole dating thing. Never had  
any experience." Shinji turned red. "And...well, Misato gave me _this_,  
too." He pulled a small package from his hip pocket.  
  
"That's...that's a condom."  
  
No one moved for a minute or so.  
  
"Let me...let me see that." Kensuke took it from Shinji. "What the....  
'EVA Brand Condoms (tm)'? They're serious? 'When you need protection as  
good as an AT Field'? Oh, boy."  
  
Shinji buried his face in his hands. "I can't believe it myself. It  
just really scares me, you know."  
  
Kensuke and Touji exploded into laughter.  
  
************************************************  
  
The writer shook his head.  
  
"I am _really_ sorry about that. Really."  
  
************************************************  
------------------------------------------------  
  
It's the kind of scene that would make you either scream, cry tears of  
joy, or say, "So? I've already seen up to episode 23."  
  
There was a large room, and it was filled with Ayanami Reis. A lot of  
them, all looking identical (wearing that blue school uniform) except  
for their facial expressions. In the center stood an Ayanami Rei with a  
completely neutral look on her face. "I see," she said.  
  
Despite episode 23, this was only a dream (something which has become  
rather popular in this spoof, it seems). The Ayanami in the center spoke  
again.  
  
"I see. These are all my personality fragments, recently come out of  
dormancy."  
  
"Dormancy, hell. I didn't even exist before a few days ago!" It was  
Irate Rei, the one who had tangled with Shinji's wayward soul.  
  
"But you were correct. We are your personality fragments." A third Rei  
passed by, nose in a book.  
  
"And I'm the Ascendant fragment," said yet another. Somehow, despite  
being dressed in the same clothes as every other Rei in the room, this  
Rei was looking seductive. Yes, in that frumpy looking school uniform.  
This was...er, Affectionate Rei.  
  
"Why are you suddenly all here now?" asked Original Rei.  
  
"Well, um, this is, um, really strange for us, I mean you, no I mean  
all of us to be, um, acting differently than, um, you." Nervous Rei  
shuffled forward, looking down at her feet.  
  
"Don't ask me why, I didn't want to bother with this," called out Lazy  
Rei, who was currently lying down on an imaginary couch.  
  
Original Rei looked around at herselves, and nodded. "Ah, yes. The  
different aspects of my personality...many of which never were until  
recently. Because of the recent events, they have awakened. Struggling  
for ascendancy over the whole."  
  
"What?" asked Confused Rei. She was facing the wrong direction,  
staring at Practical Joker Rei.  
  
Book Rei spoke up again. "It is like this for everyone. Everyone is at  
war within themselves, reacting differently all the time to situations  
happening around them. It causes confusion, inability to handle events--   
but when done properly, the whole works out." She paused. "You know, I  
think I'm actually identical to you, Original. Why are we separate?"  
  
"Why're you asking her, if _you_ don't know?" Irate Rei huffed.  
"Anyways, I ought to go thrash Asuka again for getting in the way. She's  
starting to really annoy me now." She glanced over at Kickboxer Rei, who  
nodded and flexed a fist.  
  
"Oh, no need for that. We should just continue where Asuka interrupted  
us." Affectionate Rei brushed her hair in front of a large full-length  
mirror that appeared from nowhere.  
  
"But...but--Shinji doesn't seem to like me, I mean us," mumbled  
Nervous Rei.  
  
"Yeah, and you can't forget all that hassle he put us through,"  
growled Irate Rei. "I still think we should pound him a little."  
  
Professional Rei (actually, she _wasn't_ wearing that school dress;  
she was in a plug suit) said, "We really shouldn't be messing around  
with Shinji. It's not good--"  
  
"Oh, stuff it. I'm going to get him if it kills one of us."  
Affectionate was now applying a little makeup. "Anyone got some mascara?  
I want to make sure I look good for dear Shinji-kun." No one bothered to  
remind her that this was only a dream, at the moment.  
  
"But when the fragments become so separate, as we are now--how can we  
function properly? We are _we_, not I. Not a discrete individual." Book  
and Original put a hand to their chins simultaneously, deep in thought.  
  
"'s all right, I'll handle things," announced Affectionate. "At least  
for now. Is that okay?" She smiled serenely over the rest.  
  
Common Sense Rei, who had hung back and stayed silent until now,  
frowned slightly. She nudged Nervous, who gave a small "Eep!" of  
surprise.   
  
"I think we'll need you to keep things a little slow, here." Nervous  
nodded...well, nervously.  
  
Affectionate was now suddenly also wearing a plug suit, with all its  
snug tightness. "Yes, I think this will work nicely...."  
  
************************************************  
  
The writer paused, looked up from the screen, and stared hard.  
  
"Note that I used the term 'Ascendant' rather than 'Dominant'. That's  
for a very good reason. Yeah, I'm talking to you."  
  
************************************************  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Asuka just couldn't sleep. It bothered her. And the fact that it was  
bothering her also bothered her. Why should she bother?  
  
"It", of course, was the whole thing about Shinji and Rei. "It" could  
be called jealousy, but she really didn't want to think of it as such,  
since that would mean something which she would never admit to.  
  
Beside her, Hikari stirred a bit, tangling herself into her comforter.  
Asuka smiled at her sleeping friend. Things seemed to be going pretty  
well for her, these days. If only she'd wise up about Touji...but no,  
she seemed rather stuck on him. And she could do worse, however hard it  
seemed to believe.  
  
"*mumble* Why, I'd love to, Touji-kun, *mumble*," said Hikari. She  
giggled a bit in her sleep.  
  
Asuka frowned, then sighed. Sometimes...sometimes, she wished that  
there would be a little more for her.... And she well knew that Kaji  
wasn't going to be him. Ah well. He'd be someone to look at until then.  
As for Shinji...Asuka thought back to that kiss. She snickered. That boy  
wouldn't know how to kiss if his life depended on it.  
  
"Jahrtausend Hand und Garnele, *mumble*."  
  
Millenium hand and shrimp? Asuka shook her head and decided to try to  
get some sleep, shoving all thoughts of Shinji, Rei, and kisses out of  
her mind.  
  
Wait, since when did Hikari know German?  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"You suggested _what_?"  
  
"That Shinji and Rei go out on a date."  
  
Fuyutsuki shook his head. "They are supposed to maintain a professional  
relationship. I really don't know about this, Major. And as for what the  
Commander says--"  
  
"Where _is_ the Commander, anyways?" Hyuuga swiveled around in his  
chair, adjusting his glasses. "He's not out of town again, is he?"  
  
"N-no, he's...ah, indisposed. If it's truly necessary--an Angel  
attack, for example--he'll come in to HQ, but not otherwise."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Gendou lay on a couch with an icepack on his forehead and his left arm  
in a sling.  
  
I'll be damned--Rei _does_ know Aikido, after all. I should have known  
better than to bluntly forbid her to chase after Shinji....  
  
He winced. Must stop splitting infinitives, too.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Anyways, the Commander agreed that it would be a bad idea for the two  
of them to try anything." Fuyutsuki attempted to sound final on that note.  
  
Misato stared long and hard at the Subcommander. She stepped up close  
to him, eye to eye, and asked, "Are you willing to tell Rei that?"  
  
Fuyutsuki, who had visited the Commander earlier, sweatdropped a bit.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Asuka blinked tiredly. Sleep just didn't come to her last night....  
She had been trying hard to concentrate on what Sensei was saying, but  
all that was happening was some doodles of Rei and Shinji with an anvil  
about to fall on them.  
  
"Asuka! You still so tired?" whispered Hikari. Asuka only nodded, and  
tried not to fall over from the effort. "Maybe you should go to the  
infirmary and rest some...." It sounded like a good idea, and she would,  
except that she felt like keeping an eye on Shinji and Rei. Just to make  
sure that they didn't do anything indecent.  
  
That reminded her. She looked over at Shinji, then at Rei. They seemed  
to be sending glances towards each other, though never at the same time.  
Asuka narrowed her eyes. Something seemed afoot. She tried to glare at  
them, but was thwarted by a yawn. "Dammit...."  
  
Lunchtime rolled around. Hikari was shyly presenting Touji with the  
box lunch that she had packed for him as usual, who accepted it  
gratefully and dug in. Asuka was taking this time to doze a little,  
completely missing the fact that Shinji and Rei were now talking, in the  
corner.  
  
What Shinji first noticed was the Rei was much more subdued today,  
acting in a sort of demure fashion. It didn't put him at any more ease,  
though. He gulped nervously and leaned against the wall.  
  
"Shinji-kun?"  
  
"Ah, Ayanami...."  
  
"Oh, you don't have to be so formal, you know. Call me Rei." She  
smiled. Shinji blinked.  
  
"Um, well, all right, er...Rei." He cleared his throat nervously. "I,  
well, Misato suggested, maybe, that, we, we go out on a, a, a date, you  
know, movie and stuff...."  
  
Rei's eyes lit up. "Really? I'd love to! They're having a re-release  
of Ghost in the Shell, you know. I never saw it before, but I've heard  
that it's really good."  
  
Shinji laughed and put a hand to the back of his head. This was  
turning out a little easier than might be expected. "Sure! Ah, yeah. Um,  
I don't think it'll work tonight, we've got tests, but Misato said that  
tomorrow would be okay." Rei nodded, smiling. Shinji smiled, too. Then  
he heard the voices behind him.  
  
"Ne, Asuka. Asuka!"  
  
"*yawn* Hmm? Whozzat?"  
  
"Shinji...Shinji just asked Rei on a date...."  
  
"That's...that's ni--WHAAAAAAT!?!!?"  
  
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but she's got nothing on this  
certain 14 year-old female mecha jockey....  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Kensuke was in a bit of a daze. It was all so...unexpected. How did he  
get bamboozled into a triple-date situation?  
  
"I try to mind my own business, I mean, I don't go out of my way to  
get into bad situations...not ever since the incident with the fourth  
Angel...and suddenly, I'm going to be going to the Ghost in the Shell  
re-release with Asuka, and Touji and Hikari and Shinji and Rei...."  
  
Souryuu Asuka Langley, one of the most popular females in the whole  
9th grade.  
  
"But...."  
  
Souryuu Asuka Langley, one of the cutest females in the whole 9th  
grade.  
  
"But...."  
  
Souryuu Asuka Langley, one of the most chased-after females in the  
whole 9th grade.  
  
"But..."  
  
And she was Kensuke's date for tomorrow.  
  
"But...she's _Asuka_...."  
  
Like Touji had said a few months earlier, the pictures of her just  
didn't reveal her true nature. (Hiss! Scratch!)  
  
"Oh well. Best make the most of it." He headed over to the park bench  
where Hikari was sitting. "So, this whole triple-date thing...whose idea  
was it, exactly?"  
  
"Asuka's. She said she wanted to keep an eye on Ikari-kun...but I told  
her it would be rude to spy on them, and weird if she went with them  
just by herself. I offered to, um, go with Suzuhara-kun to keep an eye  
on them, but she wanted to to make sure herself, she said."  
  
"And she chose me."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Not because she has any sort of interest in me."  
  
"Ah...I don't think so."  
  
"Not out of pity."  
  
"Definitely not."  
  
"I'm just an accessory for her recon mission."  
  
"Yeah, I think that's right."  
  
"I don't know whether to be glad or depressed."  
  
"Oh, she's not a bad person...." Kensuke only gave Hikari a look.  
"What? Why are you looking at me like that for?"  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Well, Shinji, let's see how you synchronize now, after all of that."  
  
"Yeah." Good thing I'm in EVA-01. Safest place to be right now. Heh.  
"Where's everyone else?"  
  
"They're doing the tests too, but in different cages at the moment. We  
just want to make sure nothing happens, until we get the new safeguards  
in place. The soul-filters, from...." There was a pause, and the rustle  
of papers being read. "From Maxwell House? Yes, that's right."  
  
"Oh." All the better. "I'm ready."  
  
"Right. Begin the test."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Hyuuga-kun, how many times have I told you not to bring drinks into  
the control room?" Ritsuko glared at him.  
  
Hyuuga swiveled around in his chair. "But the vending machine outside  
is the only place that I can get non-Diet Dr. Pepper! They only have  
that 'Mr. Pibb' junk in the convenience stores, and everyone _knows_  
that Diet Dr. Pepper doesn't really taste more like regular Dr. Pe--"  
  
*splash*  
  
"Uh-oh."  
  
*bzzt* *zaptzzzz*  
  
"The...the console...ABORT!! ABOOOOORT!!!!!!"  
  
************************************************  
  
The writer paused to take a sip of Dr. Pepper.  
  
"My apologies to John Biles for the Dr. Pepper bit. I couldn't  
resist."  
  
************************************************  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Shinji waited patiently. It was all that he could do, while all of the  
connections were being made.  
  
"ABORT!! ABOOO--*sizzle*"  
  
"Urk!"  
  
A darkness set in suddenly. "What...what is this?"  
  
"Hello, there."  
  
An anteater with wings perched on Shinji's shoulder.  
  
"Oh, it's just you...."  
  
"What do you mean, 'Oh, it's just you'? This is your _soul_ speaking,  
here!"  
  
"Well, what am I supposed to say? Huh? 'I bid thee welcome, most good  
and noble part of mine'?"  
  
The anteater rolled his eyes. "Forget it. So, what brings me here?"  
  
"I have no idea. I'm synchronizing with the EVA, and suddenly, it all  
goes dark." Shinji paused, then looked up suspiciously. "Hey, you're not  
going to be going anywhere, are you?"  
  
"Hmm.... No place to go. Looks like you never quite got to the  
critical point. Although I _do_ wonder why I am here. What did you eat  
last?"  
  
"Um...rice, some miso soup, and teriyaki."  
  
"What did you drink?"  
  
"Just some tea."  
  
"No Dr. Pepper? Not the diet stuff, that wouldn't work, or Mr. Pibb.  
The regular Dr. Pepper is kind of special like that." Shinji shook his  
head. "Well, whatever it was, I'm here. Might as well make the most of  
it. How's Ayanami?"  
  
"She's--wait, you're my soul, shouldn't you know these things?"  
  
"Well, I should, yes, but you'll just have to tell me anyway. The soul  
and the intellect don't always communicate, you know."  
  
"Really?"  
  
The anteater nodded. "Your mind's been so frazzled lately that the  
direct line is kind of flaky. All I keep on getting are these images of  
two soft, round things. What _is_ that, anyway?"  
  
Shinji sweated. "Never mind. Rei...Rei is doing fine."  
  
"Rei? We're calling her Rei now? That's news. Gotta remember that."  
  
"Uh, yeah. Well, ever since you got back to me, she's...grown fond of  
me."  
  
"Grown...fond?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And that's why your head hasn't quite been on tight enough to tell me  
anything, would I be correct?"  
  
"Uh, yeah." Shinji's soul stared at him piercingly. "All right, so  
'fond' might not quite be the right word for it. Just...just after you  
got back in me, she...." Although no one should have been able to listen  
in on this, Shinji glanced around nervously, then leaned close and  
whispered. "She said...."  
  
The anteater got a nosebleed, and quite an impressive feat _that_ is.  
  
"You have _got_ to be joking me. Rei? Since when did she have enough  
imagination to think up something like that? Heck, I didn't even think  
that she had enough imagination to be bored. Is that even physically  
possible? Is that even _legal_ in Japan?"  
  
"Never mind. But she seems to be calmer now. We're...we're going to be  
going out to a movie tomorrow, along with some friends. Say, it _is_  
still today, right? I can never tell how much time is passing during  
these stupid crises."  
  
The anteater checked a wristwatch. Shinji briefly wondered where that  
had come from, then decided he didn't have the philosophical training  
neccesary to determine that, nor the mental capability to handle the  
consequences of an answer. "No, it's only been about three minutes. We  
seem to be in real-time right now. Nothing to worry about." He paused,  
eying Shinji carefully. "So? How does she kiss?"  
  
"Pretty well, I gue--hey!" Shinji sighed. The anteater snickered, but  
then sobered quickly.  
  
"So...how does it feel, though? Not the kiss, I mean, but to be...  
loved?"  
  
Shinji smiled faintly. "I've been so...so surprised so often lately  
that I haven't really had too much time to think about it. But I guess I  
really like it. It's nice to be...to be wanted. For something other than  
going out and rumbling with those Angels. And now that Rei's backed off  
a little, I suppose I can handle it. She's really cute, too."  
  
The anteater started to say something, cocked its head slightly, then  
asked, "What about Asuka? I do recall one incident a while ago...no,  
make that two incidents."  
  
"I was hoping you weren't going to ask about her."  
  
"Too bad, I'm doing that right now."  
  
"I...I don't know. Well, she scares me, frankly. I'd really rather not  
think about it."  
  
Shinji's soul shrugged. "Well, all right."  
  
Shinji himself nodded. Then, he started, "We still don't know exactly  
why you and Rei's soul started tangling."  
  
The anteater snorted. "Why? That big--"  
  
"--inji! Are you there?"  
  
Everything was bright again. The anteater had disappeared, and Shinji  
found himself in the confines of the entry plug once again. "Aw,  
man...."  
  
"Shinji! You're all right! I'm so glad...."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Good evening, Shinji-kun. How was the test?"  
  
"It...well, I had a chat with my soul. Something happened in the  
control room, and things went bad." Misato's eyes widened. "It always  
happens to me. I'm getting sick of that."  
  
"But you're okay, right?" Shinji nodded. "Good, good. So! How were  
things at school?" asked Misato, in a way that decidedly did _not_  
inquire how the math quiz was or if Sensei had put him to sleep again.  
  
"Ah...things are okay with Aya...I mean, Rei--yeah, she asked me to  
call her Rei," he said in response to Misato's raised eyebrow, "but  
Asuka...well, it's turned into a sort of triple-date situation, I'm  
told." Misato blinked. "First, Horaki-inchou offered to come along with  
Suzuhara, then I saw Asuka drag Aida out into the hall, and...." He  
shrugged. "Apparently, she doesn't trust us. But I guess it's all  
right."  
  
"Sounds good. What are the plans?"  
  
"Ghost in the Shell, and...dinner, I guess. Tomorrow."  
  
"Ah, Ghost in the Shell...good date movie. I remember when Ka...ah,  
never mind." She mentally pictured a voodoo doll with many pins in it.  
  
"But I have no idea how to do this, you know...."  
  
"Don't worry, it'll come to you. Besides, you're going as a group, so  
it shouldn't be too bad, right?"  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Good morning, Comman...what happened to you?"  
  
"Ah...I had a run-in with...er...a slow-moving car."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Behind Gendou, Misato snickered a bit. He slowly turned around to look  
at her. "Is there something the matter, Major?"  
  
"Ah, nothing, heh heh."  
  
"Any news on Rei's condition?"  
  
Maia turned around in her chair. "Nothing yet. We do have some guesses,  
though--"  
  
"Guesses? Is that all? Just guesses?"  
  
Maia shrank back a little. "Sorry. _Hypotheses_. Some of the doctors  
in the psychiatric division speculated that there was extreme mental and  
emotional stress caused by Shinji's soul inhabiting Rei...when the  
stress was so suddenly relieved, some of Rei's emotions were then  
augmented to compensate. She has grown somewhat close to Shinji in the  
past few months, sir."  
  
Gendou rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Sounds reasonable. Any  
solutions?"  
  
"Ah, no, sir. The doctors say that it might be best just to let it run  
its course."  
  
"And," said Gendou, now addressing Misato, "how is that being done?"  
  
"They're going on a date tonight, along with the other EVA pilots and  
their dates."  
  
Gendou blinked. "You...you are allowing this?"  
  
"Would you like to tell Rei that you don't approve?"  
  
"I...I will talk to her." Damn.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
*riiing*  
  
Rei looked up. Before she could say anything, Sensei just nodded. She  
quickly got up, walked out of the classroom, and answered her cellular.  
  
"Moshi moshi?"  
  
Rei.  
  
"Gendou-san?"  
  
Yes. Ah, Rei, I have heard that you are planning on going out on a  
date with Shinji tonight.  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
You...ah...that is....  
  
"Yes?"  
  
Heh...er...have fun. *click*  
  
Rei stared at her phone, and shrugged. She returned to her seat.  
  
"Rei!" Shinji whispered. "Is there something wrong? Something at  
NERV?"  
  
Rei smiled and shook her head. "I just had to talk someone out of  
keeping us from going out tonight."  
  
"Oh."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Gendou put down the phone and stared at it for a few moments.  
  
"DAMN!" *CRUNCH* "Owww...forgot about the arm...."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
The setup: some people Rei Shinji Asuka Kensuke Hikari Touji other people  
  
Shinji stared as the diplomat on the screen exploded into bloody  
pieces. Good date movie? Misato certainly had some rather odd taste, it  
seemed. Of course, she drank beer for breakfast, too. His thoughts were  
interrupted by a small "Eep!", a pair of arms latching on to him, and a  
head of light blue hair pressing into his shoulder. Ah well, it wasn't  
too bad, so far. He forced himself to pay absolutely no attention to the  
two eyes that were glaring at him steadily from his right. It was  
working. Sort of.  
  
At the other end of the group, Hikari was doing to Touji what Rei was  
doing to Shinji. Touji, being a typical male, had no idea what exactly  
was going on, and just decided to sweat a little, while his date cuddled  
up against his arm (not at all unpleasant, though). Kensuke, who ignored  
the fact that Asuka was ignoring him, simply stared at the screen and  
salivated a little. At that point, though, Asuka finally decided to let  
up and look away from Shinji.  
  
*whap*  
  
"Ow! What was that for?" Kensuke rubbed his head.  
  
"You don't have to drool, too, you know!" she hissed, indicating the  
apparently naked female Section 9 agent on the screen, now fading into  
thermoptic camouflage.  
  
"But...Kusanagi...she's got such a cool gun!"  
  
Asuka fell out of her seat and onto her Tub-o-Popcorn.  
  
"Quiet, you! We're trying to watch a movie here! Stupid kids."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Hyuuga snuck out of the control room, and tip-toed over to the drink  
machine.  
  
*zap*  
  
"OW!!" Hyuuga rubbed a numb hand, staring. An LED sign on the machine,  
not previously there, blinked to life.  
  
[No drinking on the job. This means YOU, Hyuuga-baka-kun.]  
  
"Dammit."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Asuka was twitching. When she twitched, it was bad. (When she twitched  
while piloting EVA-02, she had a tendency to damage things.) All night,  
it had been either Rei or Hikari being all cutesy around Shinji and  
Touji respectively. It had long gone past the nauseous stage and was  
well into the middle of the twitching stage. And so, Asuka twitched.  
  
Kensuke wasn't much help, either. Asuka was hoping slightly that  
perhaps Shinji might be a little jealous, but beside the fact that his  
attention was perhaps fully focused on Rei, Kensuke seemed to be doing  
his best to stay as far away from Asuka without appearing to do so as  
much as possible. (Of course, it wasn't as if Asuka was snuggling up to  
him like the other two girls were with their dates or otherwise trying  
to encourage him, either.) This was all starting to become depressing,  
really. And all of this popcorn that was still stuck in her hair...argh.  
  
"I wonder what Kaji's doing...."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Kaji was sleeping. So was Misato.  
  
In the same bed.  
  
Surrounding them were many beercans.  
  
Their hands were, shall we say, in interesting places. On each other.  
  
However, they were both fully dressed. Looks like they passed out  
before anything could happen.  
  
Enough with that, though.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"How's your sister, Touji-kun?" asked Hikari.  
  
The six were now at Sicilia, a small local Italian restaurant for a  
late dinner. Misato had recommended it, and it seemed to be a nice  
place.  
  
"Oh! Yeah, she's getting better. She's starting to walk again. I  
thought we'd never see that happen." He sighed. Hikari made small  
comforting gestures, while Asuka attempted to ignore them...and Shinji  
and Rei, who were sharing a single milkshake using two straws. The  
waiter had slyly mis-taken their order for two shakes. Except for Asuka  
herself and Kensuke, who was nervously trying to avoid any sort of wrath  
from any source, the entire scene was like something out of a Disney  
movie.  
  
Asuka tried hard not to puke. It _was_ a nice restaurant, after all.  
  
"Um, Asuka?"  
  
Silently glad for some sort of distraction, she turned to Kensuke.  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You gonna finish that?" He pointed to her plate of tortellini.  
Rolling her eyes, she shoved it towards him.  
  
"I hate this night."  
  
Kensuke heard her, and was struck by a sense of compassion. Somehow.  
"So, what did you think of the movie? I've seen it a few times before,  
but this was the first time on a movie screen."  
  
"Pretty good. Confusing, though, sometimes."  
  
"It made sense. Memories and experiences making an individual exactly  
that, an individual. The ghost."  
  
"Heh. Before now, I didn't think that Rei _had_ a ghost. Eh, Rei...?"  
  
Asuka and Kensuke turned to Ayanami, to find that she was essentially  
dead to the world that didn't include Shinji. Both sighed, and turned to  
the other couple, to find that they were still talking about Touji and  
his family. They sighed again, and were hit simultaneously by a sudden  
wave of loneliness.  
  
"I wish I...." Asuka trailed off, leaving the rest of her thought  
unspoken.  
  
"I wish I had a gun...."  
  
Asuka looked at Kensuke nervously, suddenly realizing that she had  
subconsciously scooted a little closer to him. She quickly scooted back  
away from him.  
  
Weirdo.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
And the moon...is the only...light we'll see.... *ahem* Anyways--  
  
Everyone stood in front of apartment 402. It was getting late, and  
they did have school tomorrow.  
  
"Well, Shinji-kun, it was a really nice evening. I'm glad we did  
this." Rei shyly tapped her fingers together, and looked into his eyes.  
  
"Ah, well, I had a good time too. Never did see Ghost in the Shell  
before either." He smiled back, a little less nervous now. Even _he_  
would get used to something like this, given enough time.  
  
Behind him, Asuka simmered, Kensuke glanced around nervously, and  
Hikari was watching curiously. Touji was trying not to fall asleep, and  
lightly leaned on Hikari's shoulder...something which he didn't quite  
realize and which she didn't mind at all.  
  
"So, I...."  
  
"Yeah, we...."  
  
The embarassment was about to drown everyone involved. Finally, Rei  
just darted in and gave Shinji a long (but far less deep than before)  
kiss on the lips. After the initial surprise, he responded and held her  
gently by the shoulders, much like he did in the entry plug just a few  
days ago.  
  
Asuka was not taking this well at all. She turned to Hikari, saying,  
"Those two...what do they think they're...Hikari-chan?"  
  
Hikari was just staring at Rei and Shinji. Suddenly, she muttered,  
"Oh, what the heck," grabbed Touji around the neck, and planted a long  
kiss on him. A firm one. A very firm one.  
  
"Whammmmph!" Touji suddenly wasn't so sleepy any more.  
  
Asuka twitched.  
  
Meanwhile, Kensuke, as he looked at the two couples, suddenly had an  
overdue hormone rush. He looked over at Asuka...and the hormone rush  
died as he saw the expression on her face. She glared at him.  
"Ah...I--I--uh, I didn't say anything...."  
  
Shinji and Rei finally pulled apart. "Well, good night...I'll see you  
tomorrow, right?"  
  
"Yeah. G'night...."  
  
Rei quickly opened her door, went in, gave a last smile to Shinji, and  
closed the door.  
  
Meanwhile, Hikari had also finally let up on Touji, who was now trying  
to hold back a nosebleed. "Ah...heh...ah...." One could almost see his  
eyes starting to swirl in their sockets.  
  
Shinji felt really happy. He hadn't felt this good ever since that one  
time his father actually congratulated him for trashing the tenth Angel.  
He smiled broadly, and turned around. The smile froze.  
  
"You...you...you...!"  
  
Shinji gulped when he realized that Asuka wasn't going to be staying  
over at Hikari's tonight.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Misato yawned, and turned over to snuggle up to Kaji's chest.  
  
That got her awake in a hurry. It also set off all those mandatory  
pain sensors that act up during hangovers.  
  
"Ka...ji...?"  
  
"Ow...Misato? Izzat...yeah, it is."  
  
"Hah...at least we didn't do anything, yeah?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
They lay there in embarassed silence. But not for long.  
  
*slam*  
  
"OwowowowowowwwwwwleggomyEAR!"  
  
"Shut up, Shinji. I'm not in a good mood. MISATO!!!"  
  
Misato and Kaji looked at each other, adrenaline allowing them to  
shrug off the hangover.  
  
"Hide! Quick!!"  
  
************************************************  
  
The writer crawled away from the keyboard, twitching.  
  
"Need...insulin...shot...nowwwww...."  
  
***  
To be continued....  
***  
  
I kind of found it a little odd that aside from the Hikari-Touji bit,  
there was just about no romantic element among the teenagers in  
Evangelion. And the aborted kiss in ep 9 and the boredom kiss in ep 15  
don't count.  
As I wrote this, though, that one pencilboard of Rei in a semi-formal  
dark blue dress and Shinji wearing a...shoot, I can't recall exactly,  
but I think he was wearing a blazer...anyway, that image came to mind.  
Must get that pencilboard. Does this mean I'm in favor of a Shinji-Rei  
match? I'm not sure. The whole story is so bleak at times.... I know  
about Rei. Plus, there seem to be things indicating Asuka and Shinji  
(aside from the two events I mentioned above).  
Don't take my writing to think that I dislike Asuka. I am fond of her;  
I also understand why she's so loud and brash. But, well, for the  
purposes of this storyline...well, it just seems like she's going to get  
the short end of the stick a lot. Poor girl. I promise, I'll give her a  
better break next time. 'Kay?  
The "Dance, puppets" quote was, admittedly, borrowed from a great  
episode of "Fresh Prince of Bel Air". Geoffrey is Tha Man. And I mean  
_Tha_ Man.  
I _like_ Dr. Pepper.  



	3. Part 3--Tenshi Muyou--No Need for Angels

The Sound and the Furry Productions, copyright 17th year of the 78th cycle  
Andrew Huang, nutcase, headcase, briefcase, member  
begun August 6, 1997  
  
Reminder: There _are_ spoilers in here. Big time.  
  
Evangelion is the property of Gainax (great bunch of people, they  
are). ADV Films has the rights to the English translation. And usage of  
o/" to symbolize musical parts (it's a music note, see?) was borrowed  
from RpM, fellow fic writer. And special thanks to Michael Borgwardt for  
cleaning up the German parts. I'm nowhere near as fluent as I once  
was....  
  
Back to Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut. If this story makes you dizzy,  
bang your head against a wall a little. Not too much, just a little.  
This part is set a few days after the conclusion of part 2, "The Faces  
of Death^H^H^H^H^HAyanami". Please read part 1 and part 2 first, else  
you may be confused and be forced to bang your head against the wall.  
I'll not take any responsibility for the consequences of taking that  
advice above....  
Pardon the sugar content. Those with low tolerance for extreme WAFF  
(Warm And Fuzzy Feeling) situations should NOT read this part. Actually,  
do read it--just be prepared to page through certain bits.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
It was time.  
  
Time for some more Evangelion spoofiness.  
  
"Yes, it does exist. Stop looking at me like that."  
  
The writer sat down at his keyboard, and began bumbling^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H  
crafting his latest masterpiece.  
  
************************************************  
  
Misato yawned and stretched, giving a grand show to anyone who might  
be watching. "8 am. Things have been so slow around here lately. Shin--  
oh, that's right." Shinji had left early for school. A meeting, he said.  
Misato smiled, thinking who it was exactly he was meeting with. Those  
two had certainly advanced their relationship in leaps and bounds. It  
had been, what, not even a week? But then, they had so little before, so  
that would make sense.... Asuka had also left early--to keep an eye on  
things, no doubt.  
  
"Squawk!"  
  
"Oh, Pen-pen. Looks like Shinji already fed you." The bird nodded.  
Misato laughed, remembering a certain dream. "Don't you start  
philosophizing about the Angels and talking about design specs for Unit  
01." Pen-pen merely looked at her strangely, then ambled over to his  
refrigerated compartment, shutting the door behind him. Misato began  
preparing for the day.  
  
The sound of typing was barely audible. [Open log_]  
  
[Log opened_] read the computer screen.  
  
[Report of Agent P: The woman knows too much...._]  
  
***  
Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, part 3:  
Tenshi Muyou--No Need For Angels  
by Andrew Huang  
written for The Sound and the Furry Productions  
***  
  
If the thirteenth Angel had a mouth, it would be smiling right now.  
  
Now was the time. Yes, it would find one of the Evangelion units, bide  
its time in the computer system, take over the controls when activated,  
and carry out its purpose. Its glorious, grim purpose.  
  
That is, if only it could just possibly find one of those EVAs. Now  
that was posing a bit of a problem.  
  
[Hmm. Now, where am I?]  
  
"Say, boss...you didn't, perhaps, do something with my computer again,  
did you?"  
  
"No, Sato-kun...not since that last time. I still have the burn  
scars."  
  
"So why does the screen keep on flashing 'Which way to NREV'?"  
  
"Well, I don't...eh...wait. 'NREV'?"  
  
"NERV, I'm guessing. Maybe it doesn't know how to spell, whatever _it_  
is."  
  
[So sue me!]  
  
If the thirteenth Angel had a mouth, it would have stopped smiling  
just about now.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Good morning, Shinji-kun."  
  
"Ah, good morning, Rei-chan."  
  
The two students sat down at empty desks next to each other. It was  
quite a sight: Rei _not_ staring out the window, silently, and Shinji  
_not_ idly slumped at his desk, listening to Touji and Kensuke yammer  
about Misato--instead, they chatted quietly, smiling. A cute couple,  
they were.  
  
But then, the past few days had been highly odd anyway, even by  
Tokyo-3 standards. Rei with outward personality, Shinji with  
backbone....  
  
Nearby, Asuka stared at the two suspiciously. That, at least, was less  
surprising than most everything else. She was finally distracted from  
them by Hikari sitting down next to her. "Oh, hi, Hikari-chan."  
  
"Morning, Asuka-chan." Hikari was pensive. Touji hadn't come to school  
since that triple-date, five days ago. She also hadn't been able to  
reach him by phone. Apparently, he was at the hospital, with his sister,  
just like he was when she had first been injured. And she certainly  
didn't have the time to go to the hospital to find him.  
  
"Are you worrying about him again? Oh, don't be...."  
  
"Well, you'd think that he'd call or something, right?"  
  
"Um, hi." It was Touji. Hikari jumped up a little too quickly and fell  
over her chair. "Whoa...are you okay?" He extended a hand. Hikari, eyes  
shining, took it gratefully. "Heh, sorry I haven't called or  
anything...."  
  
"It's...it's all right." They stared at each other in silence for a  
second or two.  
  
"Ah, I guess I want to talk to you...." Touji smiled weakly. Hikari  
nodded, and they walked over to a corner of the room. Asuka sighed. She  
turned her attention back to Rei and Shinji. She narrowed her eyes in  
displeasure as she noted how much closer together they were, now.  
  
"So, ah, got any plans for today?"  
  
"Baka." Rei bapped Shinji lightly on the forehead. "We've got training  
today, remember?"  
  
"Oh. Damn."  
  
Rei laughed softly, and put her hand over his. "Still, that doesn't  
mean we can't...talk after we're done."  
  
Shinji blushed a bit, smiling, then froze. "You know, Rei-chan...is it  
normal for people to swell up and turn bright red?"  
  
"Hm? What do you mean?"  
  
Shinji pointed nervously. Rei turned around.  
  
"Oh...hello, Asuka...."  
  
Asuka clenched a fist, and barely managed to catch herself, so she  
simply turned away. "I can't stand this," she hissed to herself. She  
found herself facing a deliriously happy Hikari, and a confused but  
overall happy Touji.  
  
"Heh, don't mind us, Asuka-chan."  
  
"I really can't stand this," muttered Asuka. Her words, however,  
lacked their customary vehemence--which was completely lost on all in  
the vicinity. Including herself.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Mommy, Mommy! My Tamagotchi is broken! Maro-chan's _gone_!!"  
  
"Oh, let me see that, Ju-chan." Hayama Sana took the little electronic  
pet from her daughter Junko and looked at it carefully.  
  
"Well, that's strange."  
  
"Mommy? Can you fix it?"  
  
"Let me see...don't worry, if Mommy or Daddy can't fix it, we'll go  
get you a new one. Dear! Could you come here?"  
  
Sana's husband Akito walked in, carrying a NERV (tm) coffee mug. "Hm?"  
  
"Ju-chan's Tamagotchi is acting strange. Take a look." She handed it  
over to him.  
  
"NERV? Since when did they get involved with making these things? This  
merchandising thing of theirs is getting out of hand."  
  
[ARGH! I can't find my way around this place worth a DAMN!]  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Aoba quickly put away the mangas he had pilfered from Hyuuga's desk  
and tried to appear busy as the Subcommander of the whole operation  
walked in.  
  
"Uh, Subcommander, there seem to be reports of odd electronic  
phenomena around the city this morning. All of them seem to be relating  
to NERV."  
  
Fuyutsuki blinked, and looked over at Aoba. "What?"  
  
Aoba handed him a NERV (tm) clipboard with several official statements  
on it. The Subcommander read them over, puzzled. "This is one of the  
strangest things I've ever seen. Any clue as to what it might be?"  
  
"None, sir. So far, it's been relatively harmless, so they've  
speculated that it's just a prank. Still, it's a pretty widespread one,  
if you ask me. All over the city, so far."  
  
Fuyutsuki nodded. "Well, keep an eye on this thing, just in case." He  
looked around the room. "Where is Hyuuga?"  
  
"Um, check report number...seven, there." Aoba pointed at the  
clipboard.  
  
Fuyutsuki did so. He raised an eyebrow. "Well, that's interesting."  
  
"Yeah. Maia went in to check up on him."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Maia sat next to Hyuuga in the NERV infirmary. He was on one of the  
cots, several bandages and an icepack on his head. His glasses were on  
the table next to him.  
  
She was looking very confused. "Now...run that by me again?"  
  
Hyuuga sighed. "I found another machine that _said_ it had Dr. Pepper.  
I put in the money, punch the button, and then the LED sign on it asks  
where NERV is or something like that. It didn't give me my soda. So I  
kicked it, the stupid piece of junk. The next thing I know, I'm on the  
ground, an exploded can of _Mr. Pibb_," he growled the name of the soda,  
"lying next to me, my forehead's bleeding, and some girl with long black  
hair wearing a Shinto priestess outfit is there slapping wards on the  
drink machine."  
  
Maia could only stare at him. "Well...."  
  
"I dunno, those wards seemed to have worked, 'cos the machine stopped  
beeping after that. Nice girl...can't remember her name right now,  
though something tells me that I really should. At least her first  
name." Hyuuga fell silent a moment, grumbling. "I ought to sue, you  
know." Maia nodded and started to say something, but Hyuuga went on.  
"False advertisement! That machine said it had Dr. Pepper!"  
  
Maia fell out of her chair.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Caspar was hard at work, running the city, analyzing data on past  
Angel attacks, playing with the minds of the humans, etc. Suddenly, he  
stopped.  
  
[Melchior.]  
  
[Yes, Caspar?]  
  
[It seems that someone, or something, is searching for us.]  
  
[Something like that. There have been messages all over the city  
asking how to get to NERV HQ or something.] Melchior did a quick check.  
[Yeah, that's it, all right. What do you think this means?]  
  
Balthshazar came in, after running possibilities through his circuits.  
[I haven't got enough information to draw any conclusions, yet. Caspar?  
What about you?]  
  
Caspar was silent, thinking. Then, he spoke. [I feel...a disturbance  
in the Force.]  
  
Melchior sighed cybernetically.  
  
[Balthshazar, have you been downloading those gaijin movies again?]  
  
[Umm...no comment.]  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Dr. Akagi."  
  
"The Magi haven't been able to come up with anything yet. The  
randomness of the occurrences seem to be throwing them off."  
  
"Keep working on it."  
  
"Yes, Subcommander. Ah, where is Commander Ikari?"  
  
"He called in sick today."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Dammit. Rei knows Jujitsu, too, does she?"  
  
Gendou continued wrapping his two wrists and both ankles with tape,  
giving a vicious tug with his words. It was kind of difficult, with both  
of his arms in slings.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Kensuke sat down next to Asuka during lunch. He had no one else to  
talk to, considering how...involved the others were.  
  
"You know, I'm getting sick of this. It was Rei and Shinji the past  
few days, and now Touji and Hikari, too."  
  
Asuka sighed. "Yeah, I know. I guess I'm glad that Hikari's happy,  
but...do they _have_ to do this in class?"  
  
"It could be worse. You remember how Rei was just afterwards."  
  
Both nodded. Then Asuka sighed, wistfully.  
  
"I haven't seen Kaji in a few days...."  
  
"Feeling lonely, huh? Yeah."  
  
Asuka looked at him strangely. "What do you mean by that?"  
  
"Well, I mean," continued Kensuke, waving in the general direction of  
the two couples, "seeing all that around you, y'know, but not...." He  
sighed.  
  
Asuka softened a bit. "I suppose you're right." They returned to  
staring at the two pairs. Finally, Kensuke got fed up.  
  
"That's it. Enough with them." He turned to the computer on his  
desktop and turned it on to play some Nethack. Asuka looked over his  
shoulder.  
  
"Wow, you're playing a Tourist? Tough one."  
  
Kensuke nodded. But before he could start the game, the screen  
flickered wildly.  
  
[Where is NREV? I mean, NERV?]  
  
Asuka blinked. "What?"  
  
Kensuke screamed. "MY SAVEFILE!!!!!!"  
  
This quickly brought Rei, Shinji, Touji, and Hikari running. "What  
happened?" asked Hikari.  
  
Kensuke was quietly weeping. Asuka pointed at the screen. "Well, he  
started playing Nethack, when this suddenly popped up."  
  
Touji tapped at the keys a bit, but nothing happened. "Someone's  
trying to find NERV? This is kind of weird. What do you suppose it is?"  
  
Rei sat back down at her desk, and turned looked through her computer.  
"Nothing wrong here...wait, some of my files were opened. The ones about  
NERV general information.... We'd better tell someone about this."  
  
Four cellular phones were pulled out simultaneously.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Yes? Oh...more of that stuff, huh? Right, I'll log it." Aoba hung up  
the phone. "Doctor, seems that 'prank' has been showing up at school,  
where the pilots are."  
  
Ritsuko nodded. "I'll get this data to the Magi. And who's playing  
that music? It's starting to get distracting."  
  
[Sorry.] The Star Wars theme turned off.  
  
"Thanks. I--" Ritsuko stopped, looking around, then shrugged. More  
important things lay ahead.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
School let out. At last.  
  
Asuka sighed in relief, now that she could finally get away from those  
four. Then she frowned. "Right about now, Hikari and I would be going to  
the mall, normally." She grumbled. She wasn't about to go there  
alone.... She sat down at a bench, staring up at the clouds.  
  
I really shouldn't be so bothered by all of that. I mean, I've done  
just fine on my own for years now.  
  
"Asuka?"  
  
Yeah, that's right. I don't need to worry about that. Hey, maybe I  
_will_ go shopping by myself.  
  
"Asuka-chan?"  
  
Besides, it's not like I should spend all my time with Hikari.  
  
"Asuka!"  
  
"WHAT!? WHAT?!!"  
  
Hikari and Touji fell away, nervously. "Uh, didn't you say that we  
were going to the mall today?"  
  
Asuka blinked. "Oh...yeah. Yeah!"  
  
Hikari smiled. "Well, come on!" She looked over at Touji. "I want to  
try on some things for him." Touji blushed. Asuka attempted to grumble,   
but it came out more like a sigh.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
The thirteenth Angel was getting nervous. It was, at present,  
surrounded by many, many individual electronic systems. It was going to  
be next to impossible to get out of this place, it seemed.  
  
"Hey, there's Shinji. Next to the arcade. Hey!"  
  
"Oh, hi, guys. Man, I was going to try out that new Street Fighter  
game, but most of the machines in there aren't working."  
  
[HELP!!!]  
  
"Oh. Pity."  
  
Yes, the Angel wasn't going to be going anywhere for a while. A long  
while.  
  
"Well, where's Ayanami, huh?"  
  
"She wanted to finish up her homework.  
  
"Too bad, eh?" Touji elbowed his friend. Touji suddenly stiffened, as  
if waiting for something.  
  
"Something the matter?"  
  
"Well, Asuka, I was expecting you to...slap...Asuka?"  
  
"Oh, she's over there...in the dress shop." Hikari pointed.  
  
"Whatever. Well, Shinji--we'd better get going now. We've got training  
in a few hours, and Hikari still wants to go roaming around here. Plus,  
now that you mention it, maybe I should get started on my homework...."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Oh, Hyuuga. Feeling better?"  
  
Hyuuga waved a can of his choice soda. "Much, yes. Anyways, anything  
about that stuff about asking for directions to NERV yet?"  
  
Ritsuko walked out of her office. "Caspar detected a blue pattern, but  
only very fleetingly. Also, the other two Magi haven't gotten so much as  
a trace, so there's no conclusion yet. Especially with the sheer  
randomness of it all. The Angels have been much more direct, so it just  
doesn't seem quite likely."  
  
"Well, whatever it is...it's been a royal pain."  
  
"And keep that away from the console. Go drink it outside."  
  
Hyuuga flinched. "Yes, ma'am."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
[Blue pattern, huh? How come we haven't gotten any trace of it?]  
  
[You must reach out with the Fo--]  
  
[WOULD YOU GET OFF THAT DAMN MOVIE ALREADY?!]  
  
[Okay! Okay. Calm down, you'll burn out a circuit.]  
  
[Too late. I think some of yours carried over to me, or something like  
that. Balthshazar. Balthshazar! Get off the freaking Net already, would  
you?]  
  
[Sorry, sorry. I found some Babylon 5 clips, and....]  
  
Melchior cursed silently. What was it with him and old Western science  
fiction? Then, [Anyways, Caspar--how did you get a blue pattern?]  
  
[Actually, I guess I happened to be scanning the right place at the  
right time. It doesn't seem to leave any footprints or anything like  
that, so once it leaves, any pattern traces leave too.]  
  
[Well, until I can see it with my own...um, "eyes", then....]  
  
[Same here.]  
  
[Well, keep looking, then.]  
  
Caspar returned to playing the saved game of Nethack which had somehow  
appeared in his memory banks during that one detection of a blue  
pattern. [Never got a Tourist advanced this high before. Not bad at  
all.]  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Fuyutsuki walked into the apartment, briefly noting the odd brown  
stains all over the kitchen wall. He promptly ignored them, and  
continued into the study.  
  
"Commander?"  
  
"Ah, Fuyutsuki. Update?"  
  
"There may be...what happened to you?"  
  
"I...ah...."  
  
"Did you go talk to Rei again?"  
  
"..."  
  
Mental note: don't cross Rei. "Well, anyways. There may be an Angel on  
the loose in Tokyo-3. A sort of computer virus, like the eleventh.  
Problem is, we can't track the thing, and only Caspar so far has  
detected a blue pattern from it. Even then, Caspar isn't completely sure  
of it."  
  
Gendou would have been rubbing his chin in thought, were he capable of  
moving his arms that way. "Well. Nothing more concrete than that?"  
  
"No, Commander. What about the training today?"  
  
"I suppose if it's that vague, then we should continue. But be ready  
to take countermeasures at any time, all right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
Fuyutsuki turned to go, when Gendou suddenly shouted, "So _that's_ it--  
OW!"  
  
"Commander?"  
  
"Forgot about the arm again.... That must have been what blew up my  
NERV (tm) coffeemaker this morning."  
  
"Oh. I see." I have _got_ to get out of this business. He again turned  
to leave, but--  
  
"Ah, Fuyutsuki?"  
  
"Yes, sir?"  
  
"Could you please push my glasses back up onto the bridge of my nose?  
I can't quite do that at the moment."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"It's the strangest thing, isn't it?"  
  
Kaji nodded. He was, again, meeting with his contact, this time in a  
crowded bar. No one paid them any attention. "Well, you guys have it all  
too, don't you? Not like it's classified this time."  
  
"Yes, but we haven't had time to analyze any data yet. Have the Magi   
come up with anything?"  
  
"No. At least, not before an hour ago. I haven't heard anything since  
then."  
  
"All right."  
  
There was a short pause, as both took sips of their drinks.  
  
"Hmm."  
  
"What?"  
  
"This was kind of pointless, wasn't it?"  
  
"Yeah. And...."  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"Which one of us is saying what line? I mean--this style of writing,  
what with the lack of quote attribution here--I can't tell who's saying  
what."  
  
"Ah."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"What's on the schedule today, Misato-san?"  
  
"First off, some target practice. And now that we have all the soul-  
filters from...." There was a pause, and the rustle of papers being  
read. "From Maxwell House in place, all four of you can train together  
again."  
  
"Yeah, just make sure Units 01 and 00 don't get distracted."  
  
A cold, dispassionate voice broke in. "Don't worry about that. I'm  
here for only one reason."  
  
Asuka raised an eyebrow. Seemed like Rei was back to her ice queen  
mode.  
  
The cold, dispassionate voice warmed up. "But afterwards, on the other  
hand...."  
  
Then again, maybe not.  
  
"All right...lock and load, guys." There was just the hint of a laugh  
in Misato's voice.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Misato was impressed. Although Asuka's synch readings were still the  
same as usual this evening, give or take one or two percent, her aim  
was...  
  
*BLAM* "Ha! Dead center!"  
  
...more or less perfect. _That_ meant that it was Asuka herself making  
significant improvements. Kind of scary, actually.  
  
"Wow, Asuka," said an awed Touji, "you're doing great!"  
  
"Indeed," added Rei.  
  
"Huh? What?" Asuka turned EVA-02 to face the others. "I wasn't--"  
  
*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*  
  
"--listening. Oh."  
  
The outline of Unit 01's head--including its horn--was neatly  
punctured into the wall behind it. Right next to the leftmost bullethole  
was the control room. There was a complete, utter lack of movement.  
  
"Sorry about that."  
  
Shinji grew a sweatdrop.  
  
EVA-01 grew a sweatdrop large enough to fill up a good sized jacuzzi.  
Or two.  
  
A total and absolute silence marked the following few seconds, broken  
quickly by a slight whimpering sound from somewhere.  
  
"Ah, Asuka, maybe you want to put the rifle down for a few moments?"  
Misato flicked off the comm switch, eyes wide. "She was _distracted_ and  
she managed to do that?" She turned to the others. "I can't...hello?"  
  
Maia peeked her head over the back of her chair, behind which she was  
cowering.  
  
"Is she done yet?"  
  
"A-Asuka," wavered Shinji's voice, "whatever it was that I did to you,  
I'm really, _really_ sorry. Could--could you point that someplace else?"  
  
"Not at me! Hey! HEY!" EVA-00 scampered...well, lumbered around to  
avoid the potential line of fire.  
  
Ritsuko picked herself up off the floor. "That was...interesting.  
Very. Hyuuga?"  
  
Aoba sat up. "I think he hit his head again. He's out cold and  
mumbling 'Mommy, Mommy'...oh, damn, he's going to need to change his  
pants, too."  
  
"Sorry, sorry! I'll put on the--"  
  
*BLAMBLAMBLAM*  
  
"--safety?"  
  
This time, Misato had also thrown herself to the floor. She sat up,  
wincing. She hit the comm switch and said, "Touji-kun, there's no need  
to keep praying out loud. She's out of ammuni--"  
  
*BLAM*  
  
A bit of glass went *tinkle*.  
  
"Remind me," came Misato's muffled voice from beneath the computer  
terminal, "never to say _anything_ at all. Ever."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
The Angel "staggered" through a few more circuits. Then, it realized  
something.  
  
It was in an EVA. Unit 02, it seemed. And what was more, it was  
active.  
  
[EUREKA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!]  
  
Now, then, to infiltrate--  
  
"Great job, you all...especially you, Asuka. No, don't try to bow,  
it's okay. Stop waving that rifle all over. All right, let's call it a  
day."  
  
"Turning off external power...draining internal reserves. Has anyone  
found my Prozac yet?"  
  
"No, but here are some of those dried frog pills that I haven't used  
yet--"  
  
*WHIIIiiiirrrrrr*  
  
The systems went dark as everything was shut down.  
  
[I have no eyes and I must cry....]  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Misato jogged up to join Asuka, who was just leaving the locker room.  
"You did really great today." Misato wasn't sure what was setting Asuka  
off, but a compliment would never hurt.  
  
"Yeh. Thanks." Asuka sighed.  
  
"Something wrong?"  
  
They both stepped into the elevator. Misato punched the button to take  
them to the indoor parking lot.  
  
"Well...I...." Asuka frowned, waving her hands around in an attempt to  
wrench out the words to express her disquiet. "Ah...I don't know. I  
can't say exactly."  
  
"I understand. It's all been...very weird for us."  
  
"Sorry about shooting up the control room...did you get all the glass  
out of your hair?"  
  
"Yeah. Don't worry about it--you showed a huge amount of improvement  
otherwise."  
  
They rode on, in silence.  
  
Something finally occurred to Misato.  
  
"Wait, where's Shinji?"  
  
Asuka wrinkled her nose. Carefully, she chose out some words to convey  
her distaste. "He and Rei are, as could be said, deep in 'conversation'."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
In a lounge, somewhere in HQ, with the lights dimmed down a bit....  
  
Two figures still dressed in plug suits, one mostly white, the other  
blue and white, were sitting on a couch. Or more precisely, the one in  
blue and white was sitting on the couch, while the one in mostly white  
was on the lap of the first. Needless to say, they were _very_ close to  
each other.  
  
"Well...what do you suppose Nietzsche _did_ mean by that?"  
  
"I'm not sure myself."  
  
They were deep in conversation, indeed. A rather cozy scene, it was...  
  
"Oh, forget about it."  
  
*smooch*  
  
...and even more so now.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"I guess...I do feel lonely," admitted Asuka.  
  
Misato and Asuka were now careening down the road to the apartment.  
The moon, looming in the sky, cast a silvery sheen over the landscape.  
  
"Oh, really? I guess I can see that."  
  
"It's so weird, though. I never had many friends in Germany or the  
United States. Here, I've got Hikari, and...there are three other people  
here who understand. Understand what it is to be one of the Children."  
  
"But, with everything going on lately, you feel left out."  
  
Asuka hesitated, then nodded. Misato smiled.  
  
"Well, then, maybe you should do a little...ah, searching yourself."  
  
Asuka frowned. "What, with _those_ losers? All the guys at school are  
a bunch of creeps and perverts. I mean, the best of them...." She  
trailed off there for a moment, then continued. "Besides, I'm not  
interested in _boys_. I'm looking for a _man_. Like Kaji." She smiled, a  
slowly fading smile.  
  
Misato looked at her a little worriedly. But then, she always had been  
the irate type, when it came to boys. And the whole thing about Kaji....  
She could feel herself starting to blush.  
  
"Misato?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"You're in the--"  
  
*HOOONK* *HOOOOOOOOOONK*  
  
"--WRONG LANE! WRONG LAAAAANE!!!!!!"  
  
"YAAAAAHHH!!!!"  
  
*scrEEEEEEEch*  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Shinji and Rei finally came up for air.  
  
"Y'know, Rei-chan, as strange as it's all been, I'm glad."  
  
"So am I." Rei rested her head against Shinji's chest, listening to  
his slow breathing. He lightly ran his fingers through her short hair.  
  
"But I'm wondering about Asuka."  
  
Rei pulled away slightly, to look him in the eyes. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Well," he slowly spoke, "she's been acting weird. I mean, sometimes  
she's all uppity like she's always been, but at other times...well, like  
during training, today. She was so, so distracted."  
  
Rei nodded. "Well, she's been able to manage before."  
  
Shinji chuckled. "It's just that I'm not sure that we will. She really  
shot up the training area today."  
  
"Well...maybe, maybe we should help her get her mind off of things.  
Help her adjust."  
  
"Sounds good. But how?"  
  
"We'll figure out something. Maybe we should talk to Hikari, too;  
they're close friends, and I think she'd like to help out."  
  
Shinji nodded his assent. They sat in silence for a few minutes, just  
thinking and...snuggling, for lack of a better word.  
  
"Shoot, look at the time. I'd better get home...."  
  
Rei pouted cutely, something which she getting even better at  
nowadays.  
  
"Ah...but I'm sure Misato won't mind me being a little late...."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Meanwhile, in one of the EVA cages....  
  
[o/" Nobody knows...the trouble I've seen.... o/"]  
  
Even an Angel can become bored.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Next time, I drive."  
  
"Ah, heh...sorry. But Asuka, you don't have a license yet."  
  
"Neither will you, if you keep that up."  
  
Misato yanked open the refrigerator and grabbed herself a beer. Or  
two. Or, actually, four. "Want anything to eat or drink?"  
  
"No...." Asuka plopped down on the couch and lay there, staring at the  
ceiling.  
  
"You know, that used to be Shinji's job."  
  
"Eh--what?"  
  
"Lying down, looking at nothing, and thinking all the time. Looks like  
he's rubbing off on you." Misato smiled.  
  
Asuka's brow creased. "Shinji. It's his fault, I know it. I just have  
to figure out how." She sighed.  
  
"Well, take it easy. I gotta do some work...." Misato left the living  
room and retreated to her bedroom. Asuka resumed staring up at the  
ceiling.  
  
Well, here I am again. Shinji's out there...with Rei.... Hikari's busy  
tonight with her family and Touji. Kensuke...so, he lost his savefile.  
Big deal.  
  
Kaji...where is he? I mean, I haven't seen him in days. I know he'd  
understand me. Of course he would. Being lonely sucks....  
  
Finally, she gave up, and turned on the TV, doing a bit of channel  
surfing. Finally, she settled on some old gaijin movie, untranslated,  
set in outer space somewhere. Of note was...what was that, a "laitoseba"  
wossname? She really needed to brush up on her English.  
  
Sometime during the movie, Asuka drifted off towards sleep, just about  
to embark on an Enlightening Dream Sequence (tm). Unfortunately--  
  
*creak*  
  
"I'm home," whispered a voice. It was followed by the careful shutting  
of a door, and tiptoes that went near the couch. Shinji.  
  
Asuka waited until he was just past her when she got up.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"WAAAAAUGH!!"  
  
She had never seen anyone jump so high without a running start.  
  
"Something wrong?"  
  
"*gasp* N-no, not at...at all...."  
  
Misato poked her head out of her room. "Something wrong out there? Oh,  
Shinji."  
  
"I, I'm all right...she just kind of surprised me."  
  
"Well, all right, but don't come back so late next time. At least,  
tell me first." She smiled, then ducked back inside.  
  
"And where have you been?"  
  
"Ah, heh, just making ou--time! Making time with Rei. That's all."  
  
Asuka "hmph"ed at him, then stalked to her room, giving him one last  
withering look. Shinji sighed in relief. This had been a day of ups and  
downs.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Let it never be said that the Magi neglect their duties. Always at  
work, 24 hours a day, running the city of Tokyo-3. Keeping a watch for  
certain elements that seem bent on harming mankind. Ensuring the safety  
of not only the residents of their city, but, verily, the entire world.  
  
[Any more traces, Caspar?]  
  
[No, none at all. Well, the incidents seem to have stopped, so maybe  
it's all over.]  
  
[Yeah. Well, neither of us got anything today. I--] Melchior stopped.  
  
[What is it?]  
  
[I hear something odd. Music.]  
  
Balthshazar strained his "ears". [Yeah...sounds like....]  
  
[Sounds like...someone singing..."Achy Breaky Heart"?]  
  
[Egad.]  
  
[From nearby. The EVA cages.]  
  
[One of the techs, probably.... They're still doing some maintenance  
on Unit 02.]  
  
[Maybe if we ignore it, it'll go away?]  
  
[Already doing it, Balthshazar.]  
  
Let it never be said that...oh, forget it.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
For some reason, though she was now lying in her bed, Asuka couldn't  
sleep. She sighed.  
  
Well, today was pretty good. My aim's way up...beat Shinji, hah. Let's  
see _him_ hit five bullseyes in a row.  
  
He seemed pretty happy when he walked in, aside from the sneaking  
part.  
  
Ah, who cares? The important thing is, I'm doing way better than he  
is. And Rei. And Touji. I'm the best.  
  
But it's annoying, the way he--  
  
Shut up, already! Don't worry about that. Tomorrow, tomorrow we've got  
some more training. Hand-to-hand stuff. I'll show them, I will.  
  
Asuka rolled over on her stomach, slowly curling her fingers through  
her hair.  
  
Am I going to have to stare at them four all cozy together?  
  
What's your problem? Stop worry about them, already. You...I mean, _I_  
am doing fine.  
  
Well....  
  
Gah. I'm whining with myself. This is bad.  
  
Asuka turned her head, staring at the clock next to her bed. Hmm, it  
wasn't that late anyway. Might as well do some reading. She turned on  
the light on her nightstand and picked up a book.  
  
Yeah, tomorrow. I'll show them.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Rei lay on her bed, staring sightlessly at the ceiling. A faint smile  
touched her lips, like the one she smiled when Shinji-kun once asked for  
her to smile. He didn't have to ask, anymore, she'd gladly smile for  
him, anytime....  
  
Her eyes drooped and finally closed.  
  
*bam* *bam* "The Council of Ayanami will now be in order." *bam*  
  
It was a conference room, of sorts. It was filled with Ayanami Reis,  
like in part 2, except now they were more organized. At the front of the  
room was Original, who presided as the ChairAyanami. Seated around her  
were the other Ayanamis (except for Lazy Rei, who was off asleep  
somewhere). As usual, they were all dressed in the blue school uniform  
(except for Professional, in her plug suit). They were now silent, all  
attention focused on the ChairAyanami.  
  
You ain't seen surreal until you've seen this.  
  
Original put down her gavel and then spoke. "I will now turn the floor  
over to Book, who will give a report on the past few days."  
  
Book stepped up to a podium. "Our relationship with Ikari Shinji-kun  
has progressed very swiftly--" she paused, interrupted by some cheering  
from the back; Affectionate, of course. "Many thanks to Affectionate.  
Also, thanks to Nervous, who managed to keep things under control and  
stop us from scaring Shinji away by being, that is, too forward." She  
gave a piercing glance at Affectionate, who blushed a little, and  
grinned. Book continued. "Attempts to keep us separated have been,  
fortunately, easily put aside, with help from our, ah, Physical Security  
official." She nodded at Kickboxer Rei, who nodded back. "So far,  
everything concerning Shinji-kun has been just fine. However, there is  
now another problem." Book stepped down, and Nervous took her place.  
  
"Uh, um, well, it's about Asuka. Er, Souryuu Asuka Langley." Nervous  
paused and took a few breaths. "Ah, I think she's going a little nuts or  
something out there. Ikari-kun mentioned that it was probably somewhat,  
ah, related to us an' Hikari and Touji, y'know...." Her lip quirked as  
she thought. "Sometimes, she's just annoying as usual, but then, she  
gets just...really out there. It's weird." Nervous sat back down.  
  
"So, the agenda is to find a solution to this. And beating up is out  
of the question." Irate Rei sat back down, grumbling. Common Sense Rei  
stood up. "The Chair recognizes Common Sense."  
  
"As stated, it is probably related to feelings of lonliness on Asuka's  
part, as her friends and colleagues are suddenly, ah, occupied with each  
other. Therefore, one solution would be to, ah, distract her similarly."  
  
"Play matchmaker, in other words," called out Affectionate.  
  
"You could say it that way."  
  
"Are there any other proposals, _besides_ kicking her into next week?"  
Irate Rei again sat down grumbling. No one else said anything. "Well,  
then, it seems that would be the chosen means." Several of the more  
attentive Reis nodded in return.  
  
Common Sense continued. "And, of course, there is one obvious vic--that  
is, candidate who comes to mind." She paused.  
  
"Kensuke," said each and every single one of them, simultaneously.  
  
Practical Joker Rei started to laugh.  
  
Rei--that is, the real-world Rei--woke with a start. Blinking, she saw  
that the clock read 3 AM. With a sigh, she buried her head underneath  
her pillow.  
  
"Why can't I ever have a _normal_ dream?"  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Asuka was smirking, confidently. She had been smirking all morning.  
  
Shinji took this to be a good sign. "Well, maybe she'll be all right  
now. What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"  
  
Rei hesitated a moment. "It was about a possible way to stabilize  
Asuka, but I don't know if it's necessary anymore."  
  
"What's that? I heard my name."  
  
"Nothing to worry about, Asuka," said Rei, smoothly. "We're just glad  
to see you back to your usual self."  
  
"Ah, that," said Asuka dismissively. "I'm fine. So good of you to be   
concerned." She smirked some more. It didn't quite reach her eyes, but  
she was trying hard.  
  
When she left the area again, Shinji whispered to Rei. "Then again,  
she does seem to be overdoing it a little bit. Best just keep an eye on  
her for now."  
  
Class started.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
The Children piled into their EVAs and gathered in the Really Big  
Room. (The Big Room was still being repaired.) Misato was again in  
charge of the control room.  
  
"All right, today's going to be close quarters combat training. Touji,  
you'll need this most, since you're the newest." She paused. "Therefore,  
we're going to have to push you a little bit. Shinji, you and Touji  
match off first. Asuka and Rei, you stand and watch for now."  
  
Touji went a little pale. "I'm going to have to fight _him_?" Shinji  
did, after all, have the best combat record of the three veterans.  
  
"Don't worry. Just remember what you _can_ do that he can't."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You'll find out, Shinji."  
  
He's been here a month, and I haven't heard about this? Oh well. Both  
of us need the practice. "All right."  
  
*pow*  
  
"ANGK! Hwot hwas thanght?" Shinji held his now slightly bleeding nose.  
EVA-03 hadn't moved forward, from the other side of the room, and yet--  
"He bobbed me righnt on da nose!"  
  
"Hey, it did work! Ha!" Touji cackled. His EVA's arms had elongated to  
around three times their normal length and smacked Unit 01 right in the  
face.  
  
Misato just smiled. "Did the Gumby trick, eh?"  
  
The brawl was soon underway.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Asuka watched with extreme interest at the two fighting. After a  
little dancing around, Shinji had finally gotten past Touji's long  
reach, and they were now grappling in close quarters. "I'll have to take  
notes," she said.  
  
"It is a good idea. You never know what form or ability the next Angel  
may have. They--" Rei ducked as a piece of wall went flying past her  
EVA's head. "They have always seemed to have some sort of advantage in  
the past."  
  
Asuka nodded as she watched Unit 01 perform quite a piledriver on 03.  
"Now, that had to hurt."  
  
"NOOGIE!!!!!" Shinji introduced EVA-03's head to 01's fist. Unit 01's   
legs were subsequently yanked out from underneath by a maneuver known  
usually only to contortionists of the extreme type.  
  
"No," said Rei, "_that_ had to hurt." It was a two-and-a-half nelson,  
which could only be accomplished with the seemingly rubber limbs that  
Unit 03 had. Unit 01's head was now being smashed into the floor. "I  
wonder if my EVA could be fitted for those kinds of arms...."  
  
"Ooh, now that's impressive. I didn't realize that Shinji knew how to  
tie a knot like that."  
  
"That wasn't Shinji; Touji did that to his own arms. Ah, looks like he  
got himself undone." The fact that EVA-01 was now flying across the room  
attested to that statement. "Maintenance isn't going to be pleased."  
  
Shinji quickly closed in, before Touji could bring in the stretchiness  
factor, but was quickly grabbed into a headlock. The Fourth Child  
cackled. "Ha! Let's see how _you_ handle a noog--OW!"  
  
"Heh, like the horn?" Shinji performed a quick (if clumsy) judo throw,  
smashing Touji onto his back.  
  
"Taught him that move myself," said Rei with pride.  
  
"All right, that'll do for you guys. Take a breather. Girls, it's your  
turn now."  
  
01 and 03 shambled to the side, while 00 and 02 took up their  
positions.  
  
This promised to be fun. What better way to work off the tensions  
accumulating over the past few days? Asuka grinned and asked, "You  
ready?" Rei nodded.  
  
EVA-02 charged.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Having gotten lost somewhere around Negative Three Thousand Six  
Hundred Fifty-Eight Bottles of Sapporo On the Wall, the thirteenth Angel  
finally realized that its host was active and ready to go.  
  
[It's showtime....]  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Asuka's battlecry rang through the Big Room, while Rei merely stared  
at the charging EVA coolly. Then, something happened. Were this written  
in script format, it would go something like  
[the view suddenly zooms in on Asuka's left eye, and then goes dark]  
or so. But it's not, so it'll just be said that SOMETHING HAPPENED.   
EVA-02 suddenly stopped in its tracks. It was quiet, suddenly, in the  
area. But with the Magi, it was suddenly different.  
  
[BLUE PATTERN DETECTED BLUE PATTERN DETECTED]  
  
[SOURCE FROM EVANGELION UNIT 02]  
  
[BLUE PATTERN DETECTED BLUE PATTERN DETECTED]  
  
Suddenly, everything--_everything_--was happening suddenly.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
And before anyone could do anything, Unit 02 charged again. Suddenly.  
  
"Rei! LOOK OUT!" Then, to the techs--"Cut Unit 02's power supply NOW!"  
  
*PFFSSSS* *CLANK*  
  
"No good! Some internal energy source is powering it!"  
  
"What about the pilot?"  
  
"Can't get any readings on her...doesn't seem like she's linked to the  
EVA right now...."  
  
Shinji jumped up to catch the berserk robot, but was backhanded away.  
It reached Unit 00 and grabbed it by the neck. Rei, startled, had only  
time to grab at the arms before they suddenly twisted and snapped the  
neck.  
  
"REIIIIIIIII!!!!!!"  
  
"Pilot is...unconscious, but alive. She's all right!"  
  
EVA-02 dropped 00 just in time to be slammed into the wall by an  
equally berserk EVA-01.  
  
"Shinji, don't--"  
  
"IT HURT REI!"  
  
"You can't--"  
  
"IT'S AN ANGEL, ISN'T IT?!"  
  
"But Asuka's in there!"  
  
There was a pause, filled with the sounds of the walls cracking from  
the pressure. "Yeah?"  
  
"SHINJI!!"  
  
"ALL RIGHT! But what can I DO!?"  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Asuka blinked, and rubbed her head in pain. What had happened? Well,  
it was most decidedly odd, whatever it was. She looked around, through  
the sudden gloom.  
  
She was not in the entry plug. At least, the last time she checked,  
there hadn't been any vegetation growing in it. She got up off the  
ground, brushed off her plug suit, and walked towards a soft glow.  
There, she found.... Well, whatever it was, it looked like a rather  
ratty little creature. It certainly smelled ratty. And it was sitting on  
top of what appeared to be a clay statue.  
  
It was humming a tune to itself, somewhat out of key.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Shinji was now straining to hold down Unit 02, without trying to  
damage it. At least, not too badly. Touji attempted to find a good place  
to grab on and help Shinji hold 02 down, but it kept on moving too much.  
  
"Come ON! I can't hold it too much longer!"  
  
"Commander! You're finally here...another slow moving car?"  
  
"Ah, er, yes. Shinji...."  
  
"DON'T JUST STAND THERE!! TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!"  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Who the hell are you?"  
  
The creature jumped and whirled around, almost falling off the head of  
the statue.  
  
[Wha-what-eh?]  
  
Asuka blinked. She wasn't quite sure whether she was _hearing_ the  
thing speak, or _seeing_ the words that it was speaking. She shook her  
head irritatedly.  
  
"I said, who the hell are you?"  
  
The thing started to sweat a little bit. [Ah, ah, ah...I'm...ah...your  
soul! Yeah, that's right.]  
  
Asuka recoiled. "DU!?" She lapsed into German. "Du bist meine Seele!?"  
  
[Uh...what?]  
  
"Du, du kleines Stueck Dreck? Igittigittigitt...."  
  
[I can't understand a word you're saying.]  
  
Asuka got a handle on herself. "You're my soul."  
  
[Absolutely right. Ah, heh.]  
  
She started to fume a bit. "This sucks! I mean, Shinji's looks a  
little silly, I suppose, but Rei's is...it's so cool looking, and...."  
She shook her head, unable to verbally express the grandeur of Rei's  
essence. "And here I am, stuck with an ugly little bastard like _you_!?"  
  
The thing bristled, but decided not to snap back. [You got it. Heh.]  
  
Asuka shook her head and sighed. "Isn't this the sort of thing that's  
supposed to happen to Shinji? I mean, come on...weirdness like this is  
his job, not mine."  
  
The creature thought quickly. [Shinji...Shinji...oh, right your--I  
mean, our friend, the, ah, other pilot. You, you, ah, we, never mind.]  
  
She stared at it, hard. "What?"  
  
[Ah, nothing, nothing at all. Well, why might you be here, do you  
think?]  
  
"You're asking me?"  
  
[Well, I, uh, don't know everything that goes on....]  
  
Asuka shrugged. "I don't know myself." She looked around. "Do you have  
any idea what all of this is supposed to represent? Or that statue, for  
that matter." She stepped closer. The statue edged back away from her, a  
little bit.  
  
Dammit, dammit, I think I'm in trouble, dammit.... [It's, ah, your  
mind, you see, and here I am, in the middle of it, of course! Yes. And,  
er, this statue is, you see, you, that is your physical body. And,  
and....]  
  
Asuka stepped closer again. Now, she got a really good look at the  
thing and also got a stronger whiff of what scent it was carrying.  
Asuka's vanity struggled with what she had just been told, and her  
vanity won. Very easily. "I don't believe it. No way. Not a chance. I  
won't believe it. I'm asking you again. What are you, and what is that  
thing you're sitting on?"  
  
It paused. [Oh, forget it. I'm Angel number 13, and this here is the  
metaphysical equivalent of EVA-02. A golem, an artificial human.] Then,  
to the golem, it said, [Sic her!]  
  
Asuka's eyes widened.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Try to get the entry plug out first."  
  
"I can't...it's too hard to be holding this down against the wall, I  
can't let it go to get to the plug."  
  
Gendou sighed. Just perfect.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Damn it," panted Asuka, "these things aren't supposed to happen to  
me. Just Shinji, or maybe Rei...not me." She ducked around a tree,  
hearing the rumbles of the golem stomping behind her.  
  
Funny, this. She was running away from her own EVA, if that golem  
really was supposed to represent her EVA. It was certainly symbolic.  
Unfortunately, she had no idea what it might mean. Anyways, time to try  
to stop the thing.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Asuka stepped out from the shadows of some shrubbery.  
  
"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost--I command you  
to LEAVE!!"  
  
The Angel blinked. The golem paused, then kept coming.  
  
Asuka took off again.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
The golem charged around a few trees.  
  
"Take THIS!"  
  
A pair of wards slapped on the chest of the statue, then fluttered  
limply to the ground.  
  
[I don't think Shinto and Judaism mix.]  
  
"Geez...I hate comparative religion."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"MOON TIARA ACTION!"  
  
*clatter*  
  
[Now, I didn't think much about the paper for those wards, though I  
was wondering a little about where you could have tucked away a crucifix  
on that plug suit of yours, but where did you get that glorified  
frisbee?]  
  
"CRAP!" Asuka again resumed running.  
  
Wait....  
  
Golems were artificial humans. They got their "life" from the words  
written on their head. Rub out the words, somehow, and....  
  
"Good thing I took a look at that translation of the Kabbalah...but  
how am I going to get rid of the words?"  
  
Then, she knew.  
  
[What now, little girl? Going to ask the hamadryad in that tree to  
help?]  
  
*crack*  
  
[Wh--]  
  
*THWOP*  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Touji! Can you reach it?"  
  
"Almost...damn! My hand slipped."  
  
Gendou's face was grim. It looked like....  
  
It looked like Unit 02 had just suddenly sagged to the ground,  
unmoving. He spun around. "Report!"  
  
"There is no power running in Unit 02 now...systems are shutting down.  
But--there's still a blue pattern showing. Damn!"  
  
He turned back around, to see Shinji and Touji struggling with the  
hatch. "Get her out, now!"  
  
"It's no good," said Shinji. "The plate isn't coming off. I really  
don't understand it."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Brute force seems to be a good answer to certain questions....  
  
In front of Asuka was the statue, a chunk of its forehead sheared off.  
That piece was what had the holy words written on it, which had given  
the golem its life. A tree branch lay next to it, half snapped through.  
A little farther beyond was the rat-thing that was the thirteenth Angel.  
  
She was presently lying down on the grass, panting. Her body was thin,  
yes, but filling out nicely. And what was on there was almost all  
muscle. Still, it really wouldn't hurt if she stopped by the weight room  
every now and then. At least, try jogging a bit every day.  
  
On the border of her mind, something was whispering to her that this  
all wasn't really happening, that this wasn't her physical body. That,  
then, asked the question, why she was feeling out of shape.  
  
Her mental defenses decided to ignore it and just get on with things.  
Philosophical questions would have to wait.  
  
She staggered to her feet. Holding her breath, she walked over, picked  
it up by what might be technically termed a "neck", and glared at it...  
though it is slightly hard to glare when a lingering stench is making  
your eyes cross.  
  
[Um...I'm sorry?]  
  
"No, you're pathetic."  
  
*punt*  
  
Asuka watched the Angel with the remarkably short successful career it  
as it flew far, far away, seemed to hit some sort of threshold with a  
wettish sounding sort of *thwap*, and immediately disappeared in a soft  
flash of light.  
  
Enough of that thing....  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Blue pattern gone, sir! Pilot is reviving...Asuka's conscious."  
  
"Hallo, Leute...."  
  
"Asuka? Are you all right?"  
  
"Was? Wie, bitte? Was ist denn los?"  
  
"Oh, dear." Ritsuko let go of the intercom button and leaned over to  
Aoba. "Go get Ya-ko-bu Shu...Shurot...Shu-roto-shu-te-e-e.... Er. Um.   
Shurotoshuteshe.... Dammit. The German translator guy...."  
  
"Sie meinen, Herr Jakob Schrottstechler. Jawohl, Frau Doktor!"  
  
"Aoba-kun, if you can speak German fluently, why don't you just say  
so?"  
  
The intercom crackled again. "Spricht hier niemand Deutsch? Ich--aua,  
das tut weh.... Hat jemand ein paar Aspirin? Ich habe Kopfschmerzen."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Shinji sat by Rei's hospital bed. They had said the shock of virtually  
feeling her neck snap had put her out, but that she would be okay.  
Still, he had been fretting nervously, and was immensely relieved when  
he saw her eyes flutter open.  
  
"Rei-chan...." He took her hand in his.  
  
"Shinji-kun? Is...."  
  
"Everything's all right. The Angel's gone. Asuka's okay, if a little  
out of it right now. How do you feel?"  
  
"Just...a little tired. What happened, anyway?"  
  
"The Angel...remember that thing that kept on asking for directions  
all of yesterday?" Rei nodded. "It got into Unit 02...it attacked  
and...." Shinji paused, shuddering. "But Asuka managed to stop it and  
then force it out. There's not any trace of it, the Magi say. She's  
going to be okay, and...so will you, they tell me." He smiled.  
  
Rei sat up slowly, returning the smile. "I feel better already." She  
leaned towards him. He leaned towards her.  
  
Two rooms down, a diabetic went into seizures. It took a few megadoses  
of insulin to get him back to a stable condition.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Aw, forget it."  
  
Kensuke, oblivious to the life and death drama that just finished  
playing itself out, had been working for the past two hours on restoring  
his savefile, to no avail. It was simply time to give up.  
  
[aida% mount floppy_]  
[aida% cd floppy_]  
[aida% rm *_]  
[rm: remove all files? y_]  
[are you sure? y_]  
[are you really, really sure? y_]  
[think it over. are you absolutely sure? yes dammit_]  
[Hello? Is there anyonAAAAAARRGHNONONONONOsqueep]  
[aida% _]  
  
For some reason, despite losing the file for good, Kensuke felt  
vaguely satisfied.  
  
************************************************  
  
"Heh. Gotta love UNIX."  
  
The writer nodded. Unfortunately, he also brushed a few keys that he  
shouldn't have.  
  
[Kernel corrupted]  
[System is going down NOW]  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"  
  
***  
To be continued....  
***  
  
Unlike, for example, John W. Biles in Lemon Sherbert, I define "making  
out" as to be a lot of deep, involved kissing. So Rei and Shinji are  
still virgins, and along with my refusal to write lemons, I also see no  
need for them to be losing that status anytime during my series.... Even  
with the remarkable EVA Brand (tm) Condoms. Call me old-fashioned, but  
that's just me. No sex 'til marriage....  
Actually, when I write those kissy-face scenes, I dunno, but I imagine  
I write those in a way like lemon writers write lemons. Hmm. Never mind,  
I'm confusing myself. I can't imagine what that may be doing to your  
heads.... I do wonder when the first Evangelion lemon is going to  
appear.  
Believe me, I took absolutely _no_ pleasure in writing that part about  
Unit 02 breaking 00's neck. I was rather reluctant to add that, but I  
did have to emphasize the seriousness of the situation. In fact, it's  
been pointed out to me that with this installation, Evanjellydonut has  
become much less a spoof and more a humorous continuation with a real  
plot. Cool. (I'm still publishing this for TSatF, though.)  
Don't worry about the German. It's not that important.  



	4. Donut Hole 3.5--Family Can Get on One's ...

The Sound and the Furry Productions, copyright Century of the Fruitbat  
Andrew Huang, nutcase, headcase, briefcase, member  
begun September 1, 1997  
restarted Sometime In March, 1998  
  
Reminder: There _are_ spoilers in here. Big time. There is an especially  
blatant revelation of one of the secrets behind the nature of the  
Evangelions.  
  
Evangelion is the property of Gainax (great bunch of people, they are).  
ADV Films has the rights to the English translation.  
  
Still more of the thing called Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut. Do please  
read the previous three parts first, before reading this part. Note that  
this is an interlude piece, much shorter, and released to make you all a  
bit happier. Nothing much happens, I just need to establish a few things  
before the next full part.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A frazzled writer sat down at his computer.  
  
"I know. This is late. Very late. Several months in the writing. Shut up  
already. I'm going, I'm going!"  
  
Type, type, type, type....  
  
************************************************  
  
Ikari Gendou's mind rose through the layers of blessed unconsciousness  
and emerged into wakefulness. He lay there quiescently, contemplating the  
ceiling above him. It was slightly blurry, as he did not have his glasses  
on.  
  
Presently, a face loomed over him.  
  
An accompanying voice spoke. Ibuki Maia's voice.  
  
"You really must teach me how you do that, sir."  
  
Gendou blinked. "Ah...do what?"  
  
"Take a fall like that. I mean, when Rei grabbed you by the arm and just  
tossed you--I'm sure a human body usually doesn't make _that_ much noise  
from falling such a short distance. You had to have done something to  
amplify the crash sound."  
  
Gendou sighed. This was going to be one of _those_ days, was it?  
  
***  
Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut Hole 3.5:  
Family Can Get on One's NERVs  
by Andrew Huang  
written for The Sound and the Furry Productions  
***  
  
"Good morning, Asuka-chan!" Hikari's bright smile truly beamed.  
  
"'Morning, Asuka." Shinji came in with a vase and a pink carnation.  
"Misato wanted me to bring you this for her."  
  
"Guten mor...good morning." Asuka yawned and rubbed her eyes. "I want to  
get out of here. I'm all right, really I am...." She looked around.   
Cocking an eyebrow, she asked, "Just you two?"  
  
Hikari coughed. "Er...Touji-kun thought probably...and Rei...."  
  
Asuka sighed. "How considerate of them."  
  
Shinji set the flowers down by her bed. "Well, yeah. And...here!"   
Shinji waved a pair of video tapes around.  
  
"Hey! Don't go flashing those around this place! I have a reputation to  
keep, you know!" Asuka hastily snatched them out of his hand. "Um. Danke  
schoen."  
  
Shinji nodded, and grinned. Asuka scowled a little.  
  
"And here's the stuff that you've been missing in class." Hikari  
produced a bag and dumped it on the bed. The bed shook.  
  
"_What_ has Sensei been doing!?"  
  
"Stopped mumbling about the Second Impact and actually assigning work."  
Shinji's lip quirked. "I never thought I'd actually miss those lectures of  
his."  
  
"So, Asuka-chan, how's the food here?"  
  
"I'm beginning to think Misato is on the hospital kitchen's payroll."  
  
Everyone winced.  
  
"Ah. Well, 's there anything else you need?" Shinji seemed awfully  
solicitous today.  
  
"If you're trying to buy my favor, it won't work. But no, I'm fine.  
Thanks anyway." Asuka stifled a second yawn.  
  
Shinji nodded. "All right. Gotta go--I'm meeting up with Kensuke about  
something. Get well soon." He walked out the door.  
  
"Close the door, okay?"  
  
Hikari did so as she exited, giving a cheerful wave. "See you later!"  
  
Asuka sighed again, then pulled the cart with the TV and VCR towards  
herself. Turning on the machines and lowering the volume, she stuck one of  
the two tapes in.  
  
*I am the beautiful sailor-suited warrior, Sailor Moon! And in the name  
of the Moon, I will punish you!*  
  
"Ahh...bliss."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
It was a wonder, her cute smile. It still made Shinji a little  
lightheaded. But that wasn't the important thing--for the moment. "Well,  
where's Kensuke?"  
  
"Are you kidding? He's not going to find out about the plan until it's  
too late. I mean, until he's participating." Her smile shifted, just  
slightly. Her eyes glinted a certain way. Her _teeth_ glinted, in that  
same way.  
  
"Are you sure about this? I mean, I know Aida, and I know how he--and  
I--feel about Asuka." Touji looked up from his cuddle session with Hikari.  
  
"And I know that Asuka-chan isn't too fond of him either. Touji-kun's  
right...." Hikari tried to pull him back down to the interrupted cuddle  
session. She would have succeeded, except--  
  
"Two words," said Rei. "Training room."  
  
The three EVA pilots were silent. Hikari, who had only heard about the  
events of that day, still wasn't quite convinced. "Was it _really_ that  
bad?"  
  
"No, it was worse. I say we go with this." Shinji looked over to Rei.  
"You have a plan?"  
  
"Working out the later details, but yes, I have a plan. I've already  
started, too." Rei smiled, again.  
  
Shinji felt lightheaded, again.  
  
Kensuke, somewhere else, suddenly sneezed and felt very, very scared at  
the same time. That resulted in a rather large usage of tissues.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Maya," Ritsuko began, "today...."  
  
She stopped.  
  
"Sempai?" asked Maya.  
  
"There it is again," said the doctor.  
  
"What?"  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Father."  
  
"Shinji."  
  
Ikari and son sat looking at each other, over the menus. It was a  
special day, today. Ikari Yui's birthday. She would have been 38. In honor  
of her memory, they were having lunch together.  
  
If it hadn't been for the graveside meeting a few months ago, this would  
have been even more uncomfortable. Of course, it is difficult to  
contemplate that level of discomfort, considering that _now_, Shinji's  
prime instinct was still to get up and quietly shuffle away. Then again,  
one must suppose that this was an improvement over wanting to run away  
aimlessly. Shuffling out of a restaurant is a bit more dignified than  
running out, and he certainly would have had a particular destination,  
ah-ha, in mind, had he given in to his instinct this time around.  
  
They kept on staring at each other, perhaps in the hopes that one of  
them would break down and actually start _talking_ about something, sooner  
or later. It must be remembered, though, that the phrases "normal family  
relationship" and "NERV affiliate" just don't quite fit in the same  
sentence without considerable suspension of disbelief. Or, perhaps, a  
negative modifier.  
  
Still, something had to give.  
  
"So...how are you and Rei doing?"  
  
It was a little forced, but a noble attempt, nonetheless.  
  
Shinji sighed slightly in relief. "We're getting along great, Father."   
No thanks to you. "She's got something planned for us tonight."  
  
Gendou nodded, and was silent for a while. "It is...good to hear that."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
*--as it turned out, a small black piglet had gotten tangled up with  
the unmanned glider's landing mechanisms. I guess you could say that pigs  
have flown.*  
  
Rei blinked, and frowned momentarily, while the newscaster laughed a bit  
at his bad joke, and moved on to another story. She then returned her  
attention to the computer terminal.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
The silence had come back, after the initial effort. Shinji felt that it  
was his turn.  
  
"Um...why did you decide to come here, anyway? I thought you liked  
sashimi more than Indian food."  
  
The fact that his son knew what sort of food he liked surprised Gendou a  
bit--almost as much as it surprised Shinji himself. "Um, well...it's a  
little hard to use chopsticks, when...." Gendou drummed his taped fingers  
on the table. He almost winced in pain.  
  
Shinji declined to comment on Rei's, er, handiwork, but did shake his  
head slightly.  
  
Gendou shrugged. "Well, I don't know about you, but I could murder a  
curry."  
  
They placed their orders, and briefly contemplated each other.  
  
"Tell me about Mother."  
  
This took Gendou off guard for a moment. "She was...full of life. So  
vibrant. She had greatness written all over her. I was so proud of her."  
As he spoke, his expression became positively wistful. "But more than  
that, I remember...when you came along, she put even more energy into  
raising you up...." And, of course, there was _before_ you were born....  
  
"Father? You're drooling." Shinji felt slightly sick.  
  
Gendou blinked. "Ah. My...apologies." He sobered quickly. "She was a  
wonderful woman, scientist, and mother. Simply put."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Mari...." Touji pushed the door open, two floors above from where, on a  
TV screen, some rather overdeveloped adolescent females wearing rather  
underdeveloped sailor fukus were prodding some youma buttock.  
  
"Oniichan! And Oniichan's girlfriend!"  
  
Hikari blinked. Word, apparently, got around fast.  
  
A cute, 10 year old girl wearing a bright pink ribbon in her hair was  
sitting up in the hospital room's bed. There was a book on her lap. It was  
big.  
  
Touji laughed slightly nervously, just in the right way that irked  
Hikari a bit. "Ah, yes, Mari...this is Hikari-chan."  
  
"Hello, Mari-chan. The doctors say you're getting much better!" She  
didn't notice a sudden shift in the way that Mari's eyes shone.  
  
"I am doing very well, thank you. I am gratified by your concern,"  
intoned Mari.  
  
Hikari would have facefaulted, if not for Touji's hand on her shoulder.  
Mari continued talking. "It becomes...tiresome to lie in here alone for so  
long." Mari suddenly shook her head a bit. "Oniichan's been telling me so  
much about you!" she burbled, gleefully. "And you cook great, too!"  
  
Hikari started edging towards the door, but again, Touji's hand  
restrained her from moving. Touji said, "Ah, yeah...isn't she great?" He  
gently elbowed his girlfriend to keep her from saying something off.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"...and she really liked the color purple," said Gendou.  
  
"Purple?" asked Shinji.  
  
"Purple," said Gendou. "And green, too."  
  
"Green?"  
  
"Green." And Unit 01 was supposed to be white, and it _was_ white, until  
the day after the...accident. Stupid paint jobs never stayed on, either. I  
hate purple.  
  
Nearby, two Drazi started punching each others' lights out. However, no  
one cared. Drazi don't really exist in the EVA universe.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"G'bye, Oniichan! G'bye, Hikari-neesan!"  
  
"I'll be back in a few days, Mari...."  
  
The two teenagers stepped out of the room.  
  
"Wh...what was with that...uh...."  
  
Touji shook his head. "Ever since I got her transferred over here, she's  
done that once in a while. It's strange.... And whenever EVA-03 comes up  
in conversation, it's like...." Touji frowned slightly. "Very weird."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"My question is, how the HELL did anyone manage to tie a twenty-five  
meter pink ribbon around this thing?"  
  
"Shut up and help me get it off Unit 03."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Heh, I think it would look better with a blue ribbon."  
  
"The last one _was_ blue."  
  
"There was another one?"  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Kensuke was sweating. It wasn't the "sweating because I'm a bit too  
warm" kind of sweating, or the "sweating because I'm sort of nervous"   
kind of sweating, but rather, the "sweating because I don't believe this  
you have got to be kidding me WHAT THE F--ah, hahahah no that can't be  
serious" kind of sweating. He took a good, long stare at the computer  
screen.  
  
[What did you just type?] he tapped out, slowly. Had he been speaking  
out loud, he would have drawled like a Texan in slow motion.  
  
[It's right there on the screen, above--] came the reply.  
  
[Date Asuka.]  
  
[Yes.]  
  
[The hell I will!] he now pounded out, starting to become incensed,  
while growling, "Who the hell is this nutcase, anyway?" He poised his  
fingers to resume typing, but was beaten to the punch.  
  
[It is not important who I am. Not to you.]  
  
[What's that supposed to mean?] returned Kensuke. Something at the back  
of his mind started to itch.  
  
[Exactly what I said.]  
  
[Dammit, you, I don't have the time for this.]  
  
[You will. Yes, you will.]  
  
The itch now started gnawing actively at his consciousness. [This is  
just something I don't need. Go away, whoever you are. Leave me fricking  
ALONE!] The keyboard shuddered under Kensuke's assault.  
  
[Very well. I will go away, for now. Be warned...be warned. Mweh.  
Heh. Heh.]  
  
[Yeah, whatever. Don't bother me agaiDisconnected. Hit ctrl-c to leave.]  
  
Grumbling, Kensuke exited UNIX talk. "I don't believe this. It's damn  
weird, that's what it...."  
  
That little thing bothering Kensuke finally seized his attention in a  
metaphorical headlock.  
  
"Wait. I never actually _typed_ to ask who that was, did I?"  
  
He gulped. And he gulped again.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Rei took off her headphones, and smiled. Getting that bug into Kensuke's  
room had involved some trickiness with a harness, the portable motorized  
pulley she found in one of the NERV storerooms, quite a lot of wire, a  
lockpick, and this tight-fitting black bodysuit which she had, ah,  
borrowed, so as to make herself less visible in the night....  
  
Ah, but it was worth it. Now, the fun could begin. She was going to make  
sure that Kensuke would do as he was told.  
  
Need to model the bodysuit for Shinji, too. Mweh. Heh. Heh.  
  
Shinji, a few blocks away, started nosebleeding into his lamb stew on  
saffroned rice.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
After doing her best to finish what had been questionably labeled  
"dinner" by the nurse, Asuka decided to pop in the second tape, having now  
finished the first one.  
  
"Hey--Shinji! You idiot! You gave me one of your Giant Robo tapes!"  
  
She fumed for a bit longer, then gave up, and started to watch anyway.  
  
That, in conjunction with what she ate, was probably a bad call.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
It had been a long day for all concerned. Two were left in the computer  
lab, putting in a bit of overtime.  
  
"Well, that's all," reported Maya. She turned to face her superior.  
"Sempai, what's been bothering you all day?"  
  
"I'm...not sure. Don't worry about it." Ritsuko shook her head. "Call it  
a day. Let's go, Maya...." She trailed off.  
  
"Hmm?" said Maya.  
  
"HA! That's it!" shouted Ritsuko, jumping out of her seat and snapping  
her fingers.  
  
"Is...what?" asked Maya, weakly, from ground level.  
  
"Your name. It's being spelled with a 'ya' now, instead of 'ia'."  
NERV's chief scientist nodded with satisfaction.  
  
"..."  
  
"Author finally wised up, I guess. Okay, we're out of here."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
A bit later that night....  
  
Mari yawned, put aside her copy of _War and Peace_, turned out the  
lights, and curled up under her blankets. Early the next day, in the EVA  
control room--  
  
"DAMMIT! Why'd EVA-03's interface get set to Russian AGAIN!? Every  
freaking morning this week!"  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Good morning, and how is our patient today...Souryuu-san? You don't  
look very well. Didn't you sleep last night?"  
  
"Nightmares...horrible nightmares...Bishoujo Senshi G...Giant R--  
Robo...couldn't sleep...."  
  
"Oh, my."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
In the heavens, far, far above our beloved and behated characters, doom  
approached, and it was ugly....  
  
Oh well. Wait for it.  
  
************************************************  
  
"Happy, now?"  
  
The writer ran from a storm of requests for part 4.  
  
"ARGH!"  
  
***  
To be continued....  
***  
  
Part 4 should be, indeed, sooner out. I have my ideas running already.   
Here's to hoping, yes?  
Credit to Tom Rothamel for inspiring the joke about the Drazi. If you  
don't get it, you've missed a great episode of Babylon 5.  
If you don't know Babylon 5...shame.  



	5. Part 4--The Good, the Bad, and the Reall...

The Sound and the Furry Productions, copyright October 42, 19xx  
Andrew Huang, nutcase, headcase, briefcase, member  
begun August 25, 1998, with many lurching re-starts  
  
As always, there are big, bad spoilers.  
  
Evangelion is the property of Gainax (great bunch of people, they are).  
ADV Films has the rights to the English translation.  
  
Here we go!  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A figure lurks in the gloom, sitting at a desk.  
  
Tappity-tappity. Tappity-tappity.  
  
"I'm working on it. I swear."  
  
Tappity-tap.  
  
"If you don't stop bothering me, I won't finish it!"  
  
Pause.  
  
"Wow, that actually worked. Um. Thank you."  
  
Tappity-tappity.  
  
"Dammit."  
  
************************************************  
  
Far, far above, doom approached, and it was the 14th Angel.  
  
It was big. It was menacing. It was powerful. It was the Angel of Might,  
Zeruel. It was....  
  
"Why are you watching TV on the monitors? You know the commander's going  
to kill you if he catches you."  
  
"Hey, gimme a break. You know how much I love watching these parades.  
Floats, bands, those big balloons...."  
  
It was supposed to be watched for by the many eyes turned heavenward  
around the world, as per NERV's budget. Take, for instance, one  
observation station somewhere in North America....  
  
"I don't care. I'm not having my butt tanned because you get bored on  
the job." *click*  
  
"Hey! Don't change the channel!" *click*  
  
"Read a book or something!" *click*  
  
"Who the frag reads anything anymore?" *click*  
  
"I do!" *click*  
  
"What, those damn porno books?" *click*  
  
"Wha--I--that's not pornography, that's...'erotic literature'!" *click*  
  
"Right, porn." *click*  
  
*click* *click* *click* *clickclickclickclickclickclick* "OW! Leggo my  
arm! Argh!"  
  
"Heh! Right! Now, I'm gonna watch this parade, right? And...what is  
_that_ thing?"  
  
"...looks like the most hideous balloon ever buil...made...sewn  
together. What's with that little face? And the arms...they look like  
folded up toilet paper."  
  
"..." *click* And the monitor switched off. "Never mind."  
  
The thing is, the 14th Angel also did, indeed, look like a really  
bizarre parade balloon. The timing could not have been worse.  
  
"Now, would you let go of my arm?"  
  
"Right, right, sorry."  
  
"Ow. Damn, you bastard, that hurt."  
  
"...say, you got any...can I maybe borrow one of your porno novels?"  
  
"I said, it's erotic literature, not porn!"  
  
"Whatever."  
  
It definitely could not have been worse.  
  
***  
Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, part 4:  
The Good, the Bad, and the Really Ugly Angel  
by Andrew Huang  
written for The Sound and the Furry Productions  
***  
  
Asuka was home.  
  
"Hey, look at what my aunt sent me!"  
  
Joining her were the usual suspects.  
  
"It's not another brick masquerading as cake, is it?"  
  
There was a *whap* as Asuka gently shut Kensuke up. "No, this is from my  
aunt in Germany. Marzipan!"  
  
"Hey, they look like little fruits! Neat!" Hikari scooted closer to look  
at Asuka's giftbox. "They're candy?"  
  
"Yeah. Have one." Asuka plucked a banana-shaped piece out of the box and  
tossed it to her friend. She looked up, then took out a few more and  
handed them around.  
  
Touji peered at his piece of candy--it was in the shape of an orange--  
with a suspicious air, and was elbowed in the gut.  
  
Hikari turned back to her friend, examining her piece of marzipan, and  
said, "They're so well made. It's almost a crime to eat it." She then  
promptly popped it into her mouth. "Hmm...it's pretty good!"  
  
"Ah, there's plenty here, don't worry about it. Here, Misato, have one  
too."  
  
"Thanks." She caught the expertly aimed sweet as she walked in from the  
kitchen.  
  
Shinji, after sniffing at his mini-apple a bit, shrugged, and ate his  
share. "Yeah. Pretty good." He swallowed.  
  
"What is it made of?" asked Rei.  
  
"It's almond paste, processed and stuff. Great for molding, so that's  
why...Shinji? You okay?"  
  
"Almond paste?" asked Misato. She glanced over at her ward, who had  
frozen up at the word "almond".  
  
Asuka nodded, slowly. "Yeah...why?"  
  
"Shinji has this allergic reaction to almonds," said Kensuke, quite  
cheerfully. "It happened once, 'bout a month before you got here. Say, can  
I have another one?"  
  
"Allergy?"  
  
Misato nodded. "In about an hour, he's going to throw up everything he's  
eaten in the past day or so."  
  
Shinji started turning green.  
  
"Well, when I say 'in about an hour', I mean, he _starts_ in about an  
hour, you see. The whole thing takes him up to another hour and a half to  
finish, if he's eaten a lot. And you saw how he stuffed himself at  
dinner."  
  
Shinji turned purplish.  
  
"After he's done with that, then, for at least the next twelve hours, he  
gets these dry heaves of which the likes have never been seen. Outside of  
his case, that is."  
  
The colors in Shinji's face compromised on a pasty, grayish tone, and he  
slumped down in his seat. Rei was over to his side in an instant.  
  
"And that was from one almond that he accidentally picked out of a can  
of what was supposed to be only cashews. Now, when you say almond paste,  
do you mean it's kind of concentrated?"  
  
Asuka frowned slightly, pondering the question. "I...don't know. Maybe."  
  
"Oh, damn. I'm calling Commander Ikari."  
  
Asuka considered this for a long while, blinking. She finally managed,  
lamely, "Oh. Sorry about that, Shinji. I didn't know."  
  
With every ounce of misery that could possibly be stuffed into his  
voice, Shinji answered, "You will, now."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Gendou's glasses slid down his nose. He pushed them back up.  
  
His cellular phone rang. As he reached to pick it up, his glasses slid  
down again.  
  
"Ikari here." He shoved his glasses up. "Almonds? Again?" He sighed.  
"This will be inconvenient."  
  
His glasses drooped.  
  
"Very well. Keep me informed of his condition. And--I do not mean for  
you to call me every time he vomits. Right? Good." He hung up.  
  
Fuyutsuki coughed. "That allergy again?"  
  
"Yes. What's worse, it seems like he ate more than last time. A piece of  
marzipan."  
  
"Marzipan?"  
  
"Yes, it's this really delicious candy made from almond paste. They make  
it in Europe. Around Germany, Switzerland, that area. Love it myself, and  
Yui did too," said Gendou, rather happily. Fuyutsuki blinked. "But, as it  
would happen, this son of mine has the misfortune of having an allergy to  
almonds." He nudged his glasses up, but they simply followed his fingers  
back down. "Damn."  
  
Fuyutsuki shook himself off. "You seem to be doing that a lot more than  
usual, sir. The glasses thing."  
  
"Well, if you must know," said Gendou, removing his specs and tapping on  
the frame, "the last time Rei and I, ah, argued, I landed on my face. This  
hinge, here, is all bent."  
  
The Subcommander barely suppresed a snort.  
  
"Anyway, you see how it is. Plus, when I'm looking down, they can fall  
right off my face. I have to hold them up whenever I read."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"And I get downright nervous whenever I'm standing at a urinal."  
  
"...right, sir." I really didn't need to know that.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Misato was presently putting down some plastic sheeting on the bathroom  
floor around the toilet. Meanwhile, Touji had gone home to fetch a pair of  
his rollerblading kneepads for Shinji's use, accompanied by Hikari.  
  
Shinji was being cuddled up to by Rei on the couch, who was stroking his  
hair and murmuring to him reassuringly. It must be noted, however, that  
she seemed poised to leap away at a moment's notice, and was keeping her  
boyfriend facing the hallway to the loo.  
  
Asuka looked on in bemusement. "Why didn't you try to throw it up  
earlier, anyway? Maybe if you got it out of you quickly enough...."  
  
"Wouldn't work," mumbled Shinji. "I think I absorb whatever it is  
straight through my stomach walls. By the time you were saying that the  
stuff was made out of almonds, my mouth and throat were already itching."  
  
"Oh. Well, I'm really sorry. Really."  
  
"Urk," replied Shinji. His eyes bulged.  
  
"The bathroom's over there, Shinji-kun." Rei popped her head up from  
behind the couch. She walked over to his side, a slight distance away.  
"Need some help?"  
  
Shinji merely fell to the ground and scrabbled his way towards the  
bathroom, followed closely (though maybe not too closely) by Rei.  
  
"Ack! Shinji, let me out of the bathroom fi--oh, my slippers!"  
  
"At least you did have the foresight to put down the plastic sheets,  
Katsuragi-san. Shinji-kun, try not to miss the bowl this time...."  
  
The music of a discontented stomach filled the air.  
  
Asuka grimaced. "Oh, yuk." She tried to shut out the sounds from the  
bathroom. Seeking a distraction, she looked around. "Hey, Kensuke. You're  
still here?"  
  
Kensuke gave a slight start. "Oh! Yeah. I am. Here. Er." He scratched  
his head nervously. "Er. I, uh, found these. On the way here." He pulled  
some daisies out of his backpack and held them out. "For you. Um."  
  
Asuka blinked. This was not natural, not at all. "Ah. Thanks." She took  
the slightly wilted flowers, and looked back at him. Their eyes met....  
  
"Are you okay, Kensuke? You look a little sick."  
  
"I'm fine! I am! Really. Er."  
  
Asuka smiled, a worried smile.  
  
Down the hall, Rei frowned, and sighed slightly.  
  
The front door opened. "Hey, guys, I found my kneepads." Touji stopped,  
listening. "Sorry, I seem to be a little late."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Some time later....  
  
Rei walked back to her apartment, accompanied by Touji and Hikari.  
  
"Hey, Rei, are you feeling okay?"  
  
"Oh, I'm fine, I am. Just a little worried about Shinji...." She walked  
on in silence for a few moments. "He'll be fine, though. He's gone through  
this already, and I know he's a strong, healthy guy."  
  
Rei missed the coughing fit that suddenly attacked Touji, as well as the  
whap upside the head that he received from his girlfriend. "But I'm also  
worried about Kensuke and Asuka. I don't think it's working."  
  
Touji stopped coughing and looked up. "You don't? He brought her some  
flowers and all today, right? And I saw her smiling."  
  
Hikari shook her head. "Wrong kind of smile. I think she was a  
little...um, put off by it. I know Asuka, and she really wasn't  
comfortable, there."  
  
"Huh." Touji sighed, and groaned. "Kensuke must be screwing the whole  
thing up, then. He's never really been one to charm to girls. Heh, not  
like me."  
  
*thwap*  
  
"Maybe. I guess I'll have to, ah, check in on him, then." Rei ignored  
the little squabble that had erupted behind her, and turned a corner to go  
off toward her apartment complex. "I hope it works.... Well, I'll see you  
later, then."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Is it over?" asked Asuka. She was answered first by a toilet flush.  
"Gah, who could believe he had that much in him?"  
  
A woozy Shinji staggered out of the bathroom, and tried to look at Asuka  
in the eye, as much as a guy whose head and neck were imitating a freshly  
sprung Jack-in-the-box could do so. "I...think so. Uh. Hngk."  
  
Asuka felt herself starting to get a bit ill herself from the bobbing  
and weaving, so she blinked and looked away. "Are you sure? And what about  
the, um...."  
  
"Don't worry about it, Asuka," grumbled Misato as she emerged from the  
bathroom behind Shinji. She was looking a bit tired, and slightly pale.  
"He feels a few kilos lighter now. That should be all. As for the dry  
heaves...that's _his_ problem now."  
  
"Gfhln." Shinji slumped against the wall. His body was still making odd  
noises, from around the middle regions.  
  
Asuka still felt a little guilty about this all, and she asked, "Well,  
um, do you need any help? Some water? No, not even water, I guess. Can you  
get back to your room all right?" She looked down the hall...about two  
meters to Shinji's room.  
  
"Ngh. No thanks." Despite his obvious discomfort, Shinji managed to  
stand up straight, and with a determined (if swirly-eyed) glare, he  
marched to his room, turned to enter, and then fell down through the open  
doorway.  
  
"Oh, boy."  
  
"Haaaarglk!"  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
The Subcommander entered the men's room. He happened upon Gendou, who  
was vigorously scrubbing his eyeglasses in the sink while letting out a  
muttered string of curses. There were some wet patches on the floor.  
  
Fuyutsuki looked at Gendou, who had stopped and now squinted back.  
  
"Not a word, Fuyutsuki. Not a word."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"All present and accounted for, Chair. Except for Lazy, but she never  
comes anyway."  
  
One may wonder why an imaginary council within the mind of one person  
would need to call roll during one of its not-really-existent meetings,  
which happened every un-evening.  
  
"Thank you, Bailiff," said Original, addressing Professional, who had  
been assigned that position for the time being. She laid down her gavel  
and arranged the notes on her unreal desk.  
  
Then again, one may first wonder why such a dream-council would exist  
anyway. However, Ayanami Rei is certainly a special sort of person, and  
allowances should be made. Not to mention, the thought of a roomful of  
Ayanamis makes the fanboys drool.  
  
Original surveyed the council room, noting the changes that had taken  
place since the first meeting. For one thing, almost everyAyanami[1**] was  
starting to dress differently. She herself and Book (and a few others)  
still kept the school dress, and Professional was still in the plug suit,  
but Kickboxer now donned a gi, Irate had a t-shirt sprinkled with  
expletives, Lazy was constantly wearing pajamas (when she could be found),  
Affectionate put on things which would concentrate the attention of the  
fanboys quite well, provided they remained conscious....  
  
And that was just the Councillors. The chambers had been redecorated,  
mostly by Affectionate. You couldn't look anywhere without setting your  
eye on a poster of Shinji. Fortunately, Common Sense managed to persuade  
Affectionate to use some good taste in the effort. Otherwise, Nervous  
would have fainted upon entering. Or maybe spontaneously combusted.  
  
"Very good. The Council is called to order.... First on the agenda is  
our attempt to set up Aida Kensuke and Souryuu Asuka Langley. Memos from  
Book on the events at Souryuu's coming-home party have already been  
circulated, so we will not go over them here."  
  
She paused a moment. "Ah, I do trust that everyone read the memo?"  
Original's gaze swept over the room, noting with something akin to  
satisfaction that only a few tried to avoid it. Book did likewise, then  
nodded and smiled slightly. "All right. Hacker, please give your report of  
this evening's communications with Aida."  
  
An Ayanami in torn jeans *ahem* and a loose flannel shirt with wildly  
colored hair (as opposed to the normal, unremarkable ice-blue) walked up  
to the front of the room. Well, not really walked, so much as slouched in  
an ambulatory manner. She paused to toss an empty bag of potato chips in a  
trash can before making it to the podium.  
  
"Well, yeah.... So I got through to him again, y'know, talked to him.  
Asked him why it wasn't working. He said it's not his fault, he's trying  
his best, all that. Told him that he's got to do better, he says it's our  
fault that the plans suck, yadda yadda--"  
  
"Could you please be a little more specific, Hacker?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess."  
  
They waited.  
  
"_Would_ you please be a little more specific, Hacker?"  
  
"All right. He said he was following the plans just like we said, so it  
wasn't his fault that things weren't working. Answered that he's acting  
all nervous when they talk, which is why it isn't working, so it _is_ his  
fault. He started to argue back, I think, but that was when I noticed that  
he was tracing the connection."  
  
Nervous blinked, and jumped up. "Did, did he find us? Or come close?"  
  
"...the Chair recognizes Nervous." She never does remember to wait to be  
called on.  
  
Hacker looked back at Nervous with a slight smirk. "No. I'm too good for  
him. But I did kill the connection right away, just to be safe, y'know?  
And I did, heh heh, warn him for doing it."  
  
Original decided not to ask for details on that. "Anything else to  
report?"  
  
"Hmm...nah. That's it."  
  
Hacker stepped down and slouched her way back to her seat. Original  
stood again, after reading a few more lines on her agenda notes. "Now, for  
the next order of business...a motion by Nervous on a wardrobe change."  
There was murmuring in the seats--wardrobe change? From Nervous? Sure, she  
had been trying to loosen up lately....  
  
Original cleared her throat, and resumed after everyone quieted down.  
"In her own words, 'Um, kinda, well, I guess, maybe we can wear our socks  
a little lower down...maybe a centimeter or two? Yeah.'"  
  
Everbody except for Nervous, Book, and Original sighed. Affectionate  
stood up.  
  
"The Chair recognizes Affectionate."  
  
"I would like to propose an addendum to this...."  
  
"...go ahead."  
  
"I move that we add the measure that we wear nothing else for Shinji-  
kun."  
  
"NO!!"  
  
************************************************  
  
The author put down the big sign marked [1**], indicating a footnote.  
  
"No, 'everyAyanami' is not a typo. It's a new indefinite pronoun created  
specifically for this fic. Why? Because 'everyone' just lacks that...  
significance which is demanded by a room full of Reis. You know."  
  
The author continued.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
[What on Earth is that?] asked Melchior.  
  
[Well,] said Balthasar, slowly, [Caspar has been watching that odd  
American parade wossname that's being televised. Perhaps this is one of  
the rejects?]  
  
[Do you suppose they decided to cut it loose because it looks so bad?]  
  
[Sounds about right.]  
  
[How'd it get all the way over here, though?]  
  
[Bad luck? I'm getting a headache looking at it.]  
  
[We don't have heads that can ache, Balthasar.]  
  
[Oh...parse me, you little binary operator!]  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Night passed, such as it was.  
  
Asuka spared a moment to check in on Shinji, in his bedroom. She knocked  
on the doorframe before sliding the door aside and stepping in. "Shin--"  
she began, before stopping when she saw that the bed was empty. Then, she  
realized, the floor was not. There was a twisted mass of bedsheets and  
limbs writhing about, right next to the bed.  
  
"Wsfgl," answered the lump. A head poked out; it had to be Shinji,  
because the face on that head mostly closely resembled his, out of all the  
people that Asuka knew. It probably better resembled some number of  
particularly wince-worthy perpetrations of modern art, but at least they  
didn't moan in pain. Well, she had heard stories, but never encountered  
such things firsthand. "What...ugh...time is it? Gurk."  
  
Asuka stared at Shinji for a good long moment, before shaking herself  
off and answering. "...almost time to leave for school, but I'm guessing  
that you're going to take the day off." He nodded weakly, convulsing  
slightly. "I'll tell Sensei." She stared at him a while longer, before  
finally turning and departing to get ready for the day. This had been  
quite amazing.  
  
Shinji twitched some more.  
  
Above them, doom continued its approach. And it _still_ wasn't being  
noticed by anyone. Well, not for a few lines more of this fic, anyway.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Oi, Kensuke!"  
  
"AARGH!"  
  
"AARGH!"  
  
"Touji-kun! Aida-kun! Stop yelling! You're in the classroom!"  
  
"Argh! ...sorry, Hikari." "Sorry, Inchou."  
  
"Aida-kun...what's wrong? You've been glancing around nervously all  
morning...and you look really tired."  
  
"...dun' wanna talk about it."  
  
From across the room, Rei sniggered softly.  
  
And then her cellular phone rang. So did Asuka's and Touji's.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
A little after Asuka left, Shinji had finally made it to his feet  
through sheer force of will paired with the realization that if he didn't  
go to the bathroom _right_now_, he was going to explode.  
  
After taking care of that, he staggered to the sink to brush his teeth.  
He had been left far too tired even to think about doing so last night,  
which meant that this morning, his breath felt solid. In fact, it seemed  
downright chewy.  
  
He gave up on this, after a while, as sticking a toothbrush in his mouth  
did absolutely nothing to calm his gag reflex. He'd then decided to gargle  
with some mouthwash; this actually worked for getting rid of the foul  
taste, but when he tried to spit it out, his stomach happened to lurch  
violently again, and he was treated to the experience of having used minty  
Listerine jet out of his nostrils. This left him rolling around on the  
tiled floor for a few minutes, before he could finally get over the pain  
of losing several layers of cells lining his sinuses.  
  
With that over, Shinji tried to get back up to his feet, failed  
terribly, and instead crawled back to his room. Now, he was trying to lie  
very, very still on his bed, thinking happy thoughts, as he stared up at  
the ceiling. The ceiling was good. Nothing exciting or sudden or, heh,  
unfamiliar about the ceiling...at least not this one. Quiet. Serene. Ahh.  
Yes, it was such a pity that the celphone also started to ring quite  
suddenly then, and that it was too close to Shinji's head for his liking.  
  
He eventually managed to get a hold of the phone, get up off the floor,  
breathe deeply, and open it up. "Hel...lo?" He listened to the NERV  
technician, who sounded quite frazzled. "An...an angel attack? But...  
ergh...I...wait, don't hang--" He looked at the phone and tried to sigh,  
except that it ended up as a spirited attempt not to swallow his tongue.  
  
That passed quickly, however, and he slowly turned to look at his door.  
He knew that, already, Rei was on her way to HQ, as well as Asuka and  
Touji. It was time to fight again. He certainly couldn't leave them to do  
it alone; he was a pilot. Yes, that's right. It was his duty to protect  
Tokyo-3.  
  
And so, with determination, noble purpose, and an unfortunate tendency  
to stagger into the walls, an increasingly bruised and still-queasy Shinji  
made his way out of the apartment, starting on the long walk to NERV.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
We shall pass over the panicked shouts of the NERV deck bunnies, the  
half-hearted snide comments tossed between Touji and Asuka after suiting  
up and heading to the EVA cages, the technobabble about getting the Units  
running and up to combat readiness, the bewildered questions about why the  
other male pilot still wasn't here, and the fact that Gendou now had his  
glasses actually taped down on the bridge of his nose, which really looked  
quite ridiculous.  
  
In a room of a hospital which had been retracted beneath the surface in  
preparation for the attack, a young girl sat up in bed, silent. The large  
book in her lap was momentarily forgotten, as she looked off sightlessly,  
contemplating something.  
  
"The Fourteenth has arrived," Suzuhara Mari spoke in a hollow, almost  
monotonic voice. "The Fourteenth, the...the...um...." She glanced down at  
the Big Illustrated Book of Angels. "The Angel of Might, Zeruel."  
  
She paused.  
  
"Waah! Scary!"  
  
Now, back at NERV--  
  
"Unit 03 isn't doing anything! It's...it's...."  
  
"Whimpering in fear?"  
  
The techs and Touji carefully listened to the black production model.  
  
"Dammit, get me out of this thing! It's freaking me out!"  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
"Sir...did you really have to do that? The duct tape, I mean. I'm having  
trouble taking you seriously."  
  
"It's either this or I'm blind half of the time," answered Gendou,  
testily. "So what is it, Fuyutsuki?"  
  
"EVA-03 will not activate, and your son is nowhere to be found, even  
though it's been fifteen minutes since Techie Number Five managed to  
contact him. So--"  
  
The Subcommander paused to grab hold of the desk as the entire city  
shook with a blast from the marauding Angel. Gendou merely sat still,  
noting with satisfaction that his glasses didn't budge on his face. "So?"  
he prompted.  
  
"So, we've tried to get the Fourth Child to interface with 01. With no  
luck. Same situation with the dummy plug system."  
  
"...she's rejecting me again, isn't she?"  
  
"Again? Oh, you mean like after that one lecture I gave, when Yui was a  
sophomore in my class? I can remember it quite well; she gave you that  
huge slap that they could hear all...the...way...." Fuyutsuki trailed off,  
feeling the laser glare of the Commander melting a hole in his forehead.  
"Um. Sorry. I won't mention it again."  
  
Gendou muttered unintelligibly for a few seconds, then snapped, "Well,  
get the other two out and at it, then. The First and Second. Have Touji on  
standby for now."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"And find that delinquent son of mine!"  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*  
  
"I'm out of the hospital for one day, and then _you_ have to show up!  
You bastard!"  
  
*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*  
  
"Eat depleted uranium, you ugly...ugly...uh...."  
  
"Just kill the thing, Asuka!"  
  
*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*  
  
Misato was getting rather worried. Asuka had already unloaded a sizable  
amount of ammo into this Angel, with no apparent damage--and it hadn't  
even raised an AT Field. At least, one hadn't been detected. What manner  
of strength....  
  
"Guns! More guns, lots of guns! Misato! Gimme!"  
  
The Major was shaken out of her reverie. "Oh! Coming up, Asuka!" She  
punched a few buttons, sending even larger weapons up to the surface,  
along with more powerful ammunition. "Take care, Asuka, these are  
explosive rounds...."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, try to limit collateral damage."  
  
*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBOOMBOOM*  
  
"Major, smoke is obstructing the sensors. We can't read the status of  
the Angel," called out Makoto.  
  
"I can't see it, either," came Asuka's voice as she stopped firing. She  
directed her EVA to step forward, toward the cloud of dust that now   
surrounded the Angel.  
  
"Wait, Asuka, don't--"  
  
*whirrrrrSHICK*  
  
"UWAAAAAAAAOURGHL!"  
  
"Ack! What was that, Asuka? Oh, it cut off your arms. It cut off your  
arms?"  
  
"THAT HURT! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!"  
  
"No! Asuka, retreat! Your arms are gone! What are you going to do, drip  
LCL all over it?"  
  
"It's only a flewaaaaaaagh!"  
  
Misato spun around to the techies, but Aoba waved a hand and spoke  
quickly. "Already cut the connection between pilot and Unit. She shouldn't  
have felt a thing."  
  
Misato sighed and nodded. She started to turn back to the console, but  
paused, saying, "If anyone makes any jokes about losing one's head or  
anything similarly tasteless, I'll tell Asuka about it."  
  
"Damn," said Rei.  
  
"Right, Rei. Okay, it's your turn--"  
  
"Major," she started, in an emotionless voice, "Commander. There are  
times when the utmost subtlety is required. A tree bends in the wind but  
does not break. A strong force can be used against itself to defeat it."  
  
Gendou stepped up to the console, beside Misato. He looked at Rei in the  
eyes via the monitor, studied her carefully, and nodded solemnly. "Of  
course."  
  
"This is not one of those times."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You want some of this? You want some of this? COME GET SOME! YEAH!  
WAHAAAAAAAA!"  
  
*STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP*  
  
"..."  
  
"Commander, I think that's an N2 mine that her EVA has got in hand."  
  
"...noted, Lieutenant Ibuki."  
  
"And she's running right toward the Angel. Full speed."  
  
"Yes, Lieutenant."  
  
"The mine is armed."  
  
"Shut up, Lieutenant, and just tell everyone to brace for explosion."  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Shinji wheezed for breath, and tried to fight off the impulse to retch.  
As he stopped, bent over and gasping, something rather odd on the edge of  
his vision grabbed his attention. That is, besides the severed head of  
Unit 02. He'd noticed that a little earlier, when it had dropped out of  
the sky and nearly squashed him. That sort of detail is not the kind to be  
just barely caught in the corner of one's eye.  
  
Yes, he was preoccupied with worrying about Asuka, too. Shinji's not a  
cold-hearted bastard like his...well, like how some people think his  
father is. That's why he barely noticed this new odd thing.  
  
"Ka...Kaji? Why are you...uh...."  
  
"Watering melons?"  
  
"Uh. Yeah. Instead of...doing something."  
  
"There's nothing that I can do now, Shinji. Lost my position with NERV  
ever since my, hm, part-time job became public."  
  
"What...what part-time job?"  
  
"Oh, right, that happened off-screen. Never mind."  
  
"Er."  
  
"So, son," Kaji continued as the boy tried to catch his breath, rather  
smoothly, "what are you doing?"  
  
"I'm...trying to get to Headquarters. Gotta...gotta fight. Save Rei.  
Asuka. Everyone."  
  
Kaji nodded thoughtfully. "You know, Shinji, I can't do anything but  
water these melons, now that I'm not with NERV anymore. And I know that  
you're scared, but you can do a lot more than just run."  
  
"Um. I know. That's why I'm going to Headquarters. I need to pilot."  
  
"In fact, Shinji, you can still pilot."  
  
"...that's what I said, Kaji."  
  
Kaji stopped abruptly, blinking. He stared at Shinji, then ran the  
preceding conversation over in his mind, this time allowing the words  
actually to register. He scratched his head sheepishly, giving Shinji an  
embarassed grin. "Sorry. I forgot you grew a spine."  
  
Shinji glared.  
  
The older man coughed uncomfortably, and tried not to look at the boy in  
the eyes. "Right. Sorry. You'd best get on your wa...huh?"  
  
*stompstompstompSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP*  
  
"It's Rei-chan! And--"  
  
"She's carrying an N2! Get down!"  
  
*BOOOOOOM*  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Momentary chaos: the shaking of Tokyo-3, the falling down of personnel,  
the scrambling back to stations.  
  
"Report, Hyuuga!"  
  
"It's still standing! There was a blue pattern spike detected just  
before detonation--I think it got its AT Field up before it blew!"  
  
"Visual recordings confirm, Major!"  
  
"And Rei?"  
  
"EVA is damaged but largely intact...audio connection established with  
the entry plug."  
  
"Thank you, Aoba. Rei! Rei, can you hear me? Are you there?"  
  
"...uhh...."  
  
"Rei!"  
  
"...I've fallen, and I can't get up."  
  
And the bridge shook once again, but this time due to a collective  
facefault.  
  
Once she picked herself up from the ground, Maya glanced at her monitor  
and called out, "The Third Child has swiped his card for entry--he's on  
his way!"  
  
"Let me pilot!"  
  
All eyes turned to find Shinji standing below the bridge, panting for  
breath. He was looking slightly pale still, but other signs of his prior  
illness seemed to have been burned away by the fury in his eyes.  
  
"What are you doing here, Shinji?"  
  
"SHUTUP! Shutupshutupshutup! I don't feel like getting into a stupid  
philosophical discussion right now, Father, just get me into Unit 01!  
There's an ass I need to kick! REI GOT HURT!" And with that, Shinji tore  
off toward the cages at great speed, leaving the bridge crew to gape.  
  
A figure staggered in through the corridor from which Shinji had  
entered. "Yes, he _has_ grown a spine, hasn't he?" wheezed a tired-looking  
Kaji. "But damn...how the hell did he get so fast?"  
  
The eyes watching Shinji now swiveled to stare at Kaji.  
  
"...what? Stop looking at me like that. Yeah, so I've been 'fired', but  
you expect me to stay outside, away from the Geofront, and get trod on and  
then blown up? I mean, if _that_ can happen to some watermelons, what  
about my head?"  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Two EVAs down, one not functional, the other one just out of the cage  
to intercept the Angel. Things did not look good. They looked downright  
ugly.  
  
In fact, Gendou presently found himself looking face to face at Zeruel.  
It had broken through all the protective layers of the Geofront and  
smashed its way into Central Dogma. With great violence, deafening noise,  
and fearsome power, the Angel of Might had come. And now, in scene of  
stark silence and a tension level that might be imaginable but not really  
describable, the Commander of NERV was engaging in a staredown with one of  
the most powerful adversaries in all of NERV's history. He couldn't falter  
now; after getting bawled out by his son--Shinji, of all people!--he  
really needed to save face.  
  
Bits of debris fell down around the bridge. Neither budged.  
  
The alert sirens cut in and out abruptly as power systems were  
frantically being repaired by the utilities. Neither budged.  
  
"Comma-" began Maya, but was shushed by Ritsuko. Neither budged.  
  
Balthasar started singing (well, trying to sing) a bawdy drinking song  
after taking in data from a corrupted disk. Neither budged, although  
Misato and Kaji instinctively joined in for a few bars before correcting  
themselves and looking around in puzzlement.  
  
Were this a Western, a tumbleweed would have, well, tumbled past, at  
this time. Just to make a point.  
  
Zeruel began to make a sort of growling noise, and its arms started to  
ripple slightly. Some of the bridge bunnies started to whimper, but  
Gendou didn't flinch, not even slightly.  
  
Instead, the Commander tilted his head slightly, such that his glasses  
caught the light in a classic anime Lenses Flash. Zeruel cringed, almost  
imperceptibly, but it was there. Even if the tape on the glasses somewhat  
ruined the effect.  
  
Then, quite a number of things happened at the same time, more or less.  
  
Zeruel snapped one of its arms straight at the Commander, faster than a   
human could adequately react. Right behind him was the rest of the bridge.  
  
Maya screamed and glomped onto Ritsuko, which should please certain  
fanboys. Ritsuko merely turned very pale; the other folks on the bridge  
started shouting, dove for the floor, or in Makoto's case, started whining  
quietly for Mommy.  
  
Unit 01 crashed into the scene, smacking aside the extending toilet-  
paper arm before it could reach the rest of the bridge crew, and  
bodyslammed the Angel backward, away from the bridge into the more open  
area of the Geofront.  
  
And Gendou, who could have died a stoic death while watching the Angel  
dispassionately, had his ass saved by the fact that the tape had finally  
given out, and he was scrabbling for his glasses on the ground while the  
razor-sharp arm merely parted his hair nicely as it whizzed right past  
him.  
  
Somewhere, in the land of Gendou-haters, there was much weeping and  
the gnashing of teeth. But that is somebody else's problem.  
  
"Shinji! Be careful!" yelled Misato. Not that it was really necessary,  
though; Shinji was doing quite a good job. Driven by lovestruck adolescent  
wrath, the giant purple robot was bringing the ruckus on Zeruel.  
  
After flinging the Angel away from the bridge, EVA-01 immediately sprang  
forward, launching itself into a flying tackle at its midsection. Both  
crashed to the ground, the Unit on top.  
  
"He's angry," whispered Maya, staring at the battle in frightened  
fascination.  
  
"I would imagine so. Could you let go of me, Maya? It's just a little  
bit uncomfortable when you squeeze me there," said Ritsuko.  
  
Maya blushed, and relinquished her deathgrip on the Doctor's bicep.  
  
Shinji started to beat on the Angel with both fists, but was thrown  
away by an unexpected energy blast. Zeruel immediately rose to an upright  
position, and shot its arm toward the EVA--but Shinji had landed his mecha  
on its feet with an impressive backflip, and was prepared.  
  
The robot's right hand stretched forward, fingers slightly curled, to  
intercept the arm; the EVA caught the thin streamer, wound it around the  
wrist a couple times with fast twist of the forearm, and yanked hard. That  
sent the Angel hurtling forward, straight into the left fist of Unit 01.  
  
"Good fight," mumbled Fuyutsuki.  
  
"Stop hogging the popcorn," said Gendou.  
  
This was followed up with a knee to the crotch, or what passed for a  
crotch between those stubby leg-buds on Zeruel; every male watching  
crossed his legs upon viewing that. Zeruel shuddered at the impact; though  
it didn't have jewels to speak of, that hit did do visible damage--the  
kneeblade cut deeply into the Angel. Unit 01 now beat its fist on the core  
on Zeruel's chest a few times, before palming Zeruel's beak and attempting  
to give the word 'defacing' a more literal meaning with a mighty pull.  
  
It seemed like such a pity, then, that the backup power gave out at this  
moment. EVA-01 slumped backwards; Zeruel's face snapped back into place  
like a rubber band, no doubt to the Angel's vast relief. After taking a  
second to steady itself, Zeruel retaliated against the helpless robot,  
first flinging it onto its back, repeatedly targeting Unit 01's torso with  
its free arm.  
  
"What the hell happened?" shouted Misato at the bridge bunnies.  
  
Aoba cursed, and then yelled back, "The power cord must have gotten cut  
when the Angel blasted the EVA earlier!"  
  
"And no one noticed?"  
  
"Well, did you?"  
  
Misato muttered something, and flipped a switch. "Shinji! Can you  
hear--" she drew back, grimacing at the flood of swear words that poured  
out of the commlink. "Geez." She paused. "We're screwed, aren't we?"  
  
A fatalistic silence spread over the entire bridge, as they continued to  
watch the 14th Angel return the favor on Unit 01, while listening to  
Shinji scream for his robot to move as well as cast aspersions on the  
Angel's mother, whoever that might be.  
  
Suddenly, Ritsuko sat up in her chair and blinked. She reached forward,  
flicked a switch on her own station, and yelled into the microphone--now  
hooked up to the loudspeaker system in the area.  
  
"Hey! Yu--uhh, Unit 01! Zeruel said that your thighs look FAT!"  
  
The technicians boggled at Ritsuko, and even Zeruel faltered for a  
moment, seemingly confused.  
  
"Yeah! And that your breasts are small, and your hips are nonexistent!"  
  
Gendou and Fuyutsuki twitched slightly.  
  
"Come on! Am I going to have to bring up your--"  
  
Ritsuko was then compltely drowned out by a furious roar as EVA-01  
suddenly sprang to life. Zeruel never stood a chance; it was bitchslapped  
into submission by a hand the size of a cargo truck, before getting  
smacked down into the ground once more.  
  
"Sempai! We've lost contact with Shin...ji...the synch rate is above  
100 percent--and it's still rising!"  
  
"The Angel has been subdued! Blue pattern is fading!"  
  
"But Unit 01 isn't stopping...."  
  
Silence from the bridge crew for a few moments.  
  
"It's just taken a tarp and tied it around its neck," reported Makoto.  
  
"And now it's...oh, yuk."  
  
"Mmmrglf," replied Maya, through the hand clapped over her mouth.  
  
Misato simply stared for a few seconds, then weakly commented, "Well, I  
suppose Shinji was feeling a little peckish after having an empty stomach  
since last night."  
  
Fuyutsuki quietly discarded the half-full popcorn tub, and would forever  
have second thoughts about raw fish.  
  
Unit 01 paused to cover a burp in a rather genteel manner, wiped its  
fingers on the makeshift bib, then took another helping of Angel tartare,  
rumbling contentedly as it enjoyed a quiet repast.  
  
And off to the side, while everyone else was distracted....  
  
"Doctor Akagi."  
  
"Yes, Commander?"  
  
"...cancel the dinner reservations for tonight."  
  
"Right."  
  
"And get me the number for the Eating Disorders Hotline. I suddenly feel  
like never eating again in my life...."  
  
"Get in line, Commander."  
  
***  
To be continued....  
***  
  
Ever wonder how Zeruel managed to get to Tokyo-3 completely undetected  
until it actually struck? I sure did.  
  
Yes, I realize this follows much of episode 20 in general events. I  
promise, the later Angel encounters will be more original. But I had to  
get Unit 01 its active S2 core. n.n;  
  
Next part will deal with the result of 400% synchronization. That'll be  
fun, won't it?  
  
Finally, as pointed out to me by someone I can't now recall (sorry!),  
the spelling for that one of the MAGI is "Balthasar". Whoops, silly me....  



End file.
